My Female Friend is Attention-Seeking and Seductive

Reader’s Question

My good friend has to have every man’s attention. Even when we’re together she will make passes at other men. When we go into public when she is alone she feels a great desire to have sex with them in strange places like in a parking lot in the middle of the day, or leaving a bar and just having sex. She loves gifts from men! She will spend hours in the washroom getting ready. About every ten days or so we break up from her infidelity. There really seems to be a pattern. Yes she dresses provocatively, and she is a good looking girl! The men she is usually interested in are older men by about 20 years, but not always. She is always cleaning and there can never be anything out of place. Everything has to be in place. She hurts the people around her, like her daughter, always sending her out of the room! She seems to lie about everything in her life, like fake nails being real, that sort of thing. Yes she believes her own lie. I think she is just a player…or is she nuts/a tramp. What is it? She was a bartender/stripper but not anymore! It seems to be progressing.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your good friend seems to have a Personality Disorder. Her behavior and attitude are consistent with Histrionic Personality Disorder. Her symptoms include narcissism, severe attention-seeking, seductiveness and manipulation, shallow emotions/loyalty, exhibitionism, etc. One of the major indicators of a Personality Disorder is the sense of entitlement — that her immediate needs and demands override the concerns, feelings, or well-being of others. She has no loyality to you, her daughter, or those about her. Deception, lies, and schemes are part of this personality.

In truth, she’s probably using you for a homebase — a relationship to return to after each adventure. Her situation is actually more maladaptive than just being a “player” because she has little concern for the emotional health of her daughter. It doesn’t bother her that she hurts those around her as her priority always comes first. As with most personality disorders, she has no concern, guilt, or remorse for her behaviors and will continue to use you until you are emotionally exhausted — then she’ll drop you and acquire a new target. She will always try to keep you on “back burner” with emails and phone calls as a manipulator always tries to have available options.

Her behavior is not likely to improve and in fact, will become more dysfunctional and maladapative over the years. She seems to be moving in a more sociopathic or even criminal direction as she targets older men, perhaps for money or other benefits. From her view, it’s her survival and attention at any and all costs — despite the damage to others.

For your own emotional health, I would reocmmend distancing yourself from her. While she is a “good friend” to you, her view of you may be that of an available homebase, supporter, or person to be manipulated. As a Personality Disorder, this is her life-long pattern of emotionality, behavior, and attitude. It’s not caused by or related to you. This behavioral pattern will continue whether you stay or leave. It also doesn’t respond to logic, reason, or even concern for those around her. You’ll need to protect yourself. She is not psychotic, and her behavior is coldly calculating.