Narcissistic Brother Brags About His Misbehavior

Reader’s Question

My brother has cheated on his wife numerous times, with numerous women including coworkers, strangers, one night stands, etc. He seems to enjoy sharing these stories with me, likely because he wants to brag about it, and he thinks I won’t spill the beans. What he doesn’t realize is that I pray he gets caught (they all get caught, don’t they?). I have been debating for awhile now whether to send some sort of anonymous email to his wife, telling her about the cheating. But in the end, I always decide not to tell, even though cheating goes against everything I believe in and it makes me physically ill thinking about it.

My brother would never listen to reason and stop on his own (I have asked him many times). He exhibits some extreme narcissistic personality traits, so just having a rational discussion about this is damn near impossible.

What do I do? What can I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your brother does sound like a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders in relationships on this website). As you describe, individuals who are narcissistic (self-worshipping) have no respect or concern for others around them, use and manipulate others, are extremely attention seeking, have a tremendous sense of entitlement, are sexually immature, and have no concern for how their behavior impacts on the lives of those around them. They are almost totally selfish in their behavior and attitude.

You’re correct. They don’t listen to reason at all and in truth, he doesn’t care if you accept his stories or not — he just enjoys telling them. He’s actually being disrespectful and abusive to you by making you listen. He’s similar to an obscene phone caller, obtaining gratification by getting people to listen, not mattering if they like or don’t like the call/story.

I’d recommend reading my article on dealing with Personality Disorders on this website. I’d also recommend using the same approach we use with prank callers — not listening. When he begins a story, remind him that his behavior involves using and damaging people around him — including you. Refuse to listen to his bragging stories.

Yes, he will eventually get caught. This is where you come in. Personality Disorders always deny responsibility or attempt to spread liability/responsibility for their behavior. They use a “patsy” in old terms. By telling you his bragging stories, he’s setting up you to take the heat when he’s caught. If his wife discovers his behavior, he will deny it immediately, later informing her that he told you about his behavior the entire time. The wife will then become angry at you for not informing her. At that point, he promises to behave while he encourages her to remain angry at you, saying things like “I don’t know why my sister or brother didn’t encourage me to stop!” The wife misdirects her anger and hostility at you, and he escapes to cheat another day.

When we have a Personality Disorder in our family or life, we need to emotionally and socially distance ourselves. Being narcissistic, he has loyality only to himself. You need to pull away and not participate in his misbehavior in any manner — including listening to his immature bragging about how he disrespects, uses and manipulates others.