Older Woman Refused to Deal with Female Office Staff

Reader’s Question

I have a question I’ve always wanted to ask a psychologist. Back in the late ’80s, I worked for a large animal clinic with a staff of veterinarians equally split between men and women. We had a client, a woman in her late 60s or early 70s, who apparently believed that women were inferior to men, because she absolutely refused to deal with any of the women in our office under any circumstances. She wouldn’t see the female veterinarians, and she wouldn’t speak to any of the office staff who were female, not even to schedule an appointment or leave a message. Even when she called us because her dog had a serious issue needing treatment, she’d hang up and call back later if no male employee was available to speak with her at the time. She actually preferred to jeopardize her pet’s health rather than speak to someone female.

Can you tell me what type of psychological issue this is, and how it comes about? I’ve always been curious about it, and how common it might be. I’ve met men who thought that women were inferior and refused to deal with them, but this lady is the only female I’ve ever come across who refused to interact with her own sex. Any insights you can offer would be appreciated. Thank you!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Mostly likely, your client was involved in an abusive marriage, or had been in an abusive marriage. Her behavior was excessive — even if she did hold an honest yet dysfunctional belief as you describe. This situation is often found in abusive relationships. The psychological dynamic goes something like this:

• The husband holds and enforces his belief that women are inferior by disrespecting, intimidating, and verbally abusing the wife, your office client. Using these methods, he totally controls the house and the spouse.
• To keep the verbal abuse and intimidation low, the abused wife accepts and supports the opinions of her abuser as a survival strategy. This is a form of “Stockholm Syndrome” and is the subject of the article “Love and Stockholm Syndrome” on this website.
• Knowing her abusive husband’s opinion regarding women and fearing for her own emotional health, she would be “walking on eggshells” and trying to do nothing that would provoke his anger. For this reason, she would never talk to a female staff due to the risk of her husband verbally abusing her over the contact if he found out.
• These behaviors, in many cases, continue long after the abuser/captor is no longer in the picture. She may have been widowed several years prior and would still continue this behavior based on her “Emotional Memory” of the abuse and her survival strategy.

Importantly, when we see such unusual behavior, the individual is typically behaving in that manner for their purpose and agenda. While there are some cultures that have very specific beliefs about gender roles, competency, and other issues — her behavior was not culturally determined and is commonly found in abusive and controlling relationships. In a way, she was actually behaving in that manner to protect herself from verbal abuse — not as a reflection of her opinion about females.