Husband Emails Women But Won’t Leave

Reader’s Question

I found out my husband was giving his cell phone number to women he would meet over the internet. I made him leave. He gets serious about one of them, but decides to leave that relationship to be with his family. Periodically I have read emails where he is asking her if she is married yet. From what I can gather, she will email to say “hi” and he will ask if she is married, I wish you were here, sending her pictures of himself, but he tells me he is not interested in her or attracted, she is just a friend.

We have 6 children. I really do not want to do anything drastic but this has been going on off and on for 2 years. What is going on with him? He knows that he could lose his family, and he still keeps this secret relationship. He will not talk to her for months and then contact her again. I tell him he is free to go, but he won’t leave!! What is this?

– Pulling my hair out

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Research tells us that about 70% of extramarital affairs occur because the individual is experiencing severe stress or depression. Stress and depression are so overwhelming and intensely negative that the individual looks desperately for some positive other experience. Depression often torments us with the idea of “the road not taken” — how would life be if we were single, if we’d married our childhood sweetheart, if we hadn’t married our childhood sweetheart, etc. When life stress is high, “emotional affairs” are very common — seeking an emotional bond with an opposite-sex friend and supporter who provides us with a low-stress yet fantasy relationship.

When this happens, the individual struggles between the uplifting fantasy of another lifestyle versus the love yet reality-stressors of their family. As in your situation, when told they can leave the family and explore that fantasy lifesyle — they won’t leave. Some leave and quickly return — the record being 14 departures and returns with one executive I worked with a number of years ago.

If your husband has been dealing with this for two years, he probably has a moderate depression. He will also have the physical symptoms of depression including chronic fatigue, low motivation, poor concentration, poor sleep patterns, poor appetite, low sexual interest, and social withdrawal. Depression often socially and emotionally immobilizes the individual, making decisions difficult if not impossible for him. I’d encourage him to see a mental health professional. If he has many of the physical signs of depression, he would also benefit from the use of an antidepressant medication.

Keep in mind that two years of dealing with this level of marital stress will have significantly increased your stress level as well. You may find yourself experiencing symptoms of depression. If that’s the case, mental health treatment may be helpful to you as well.

You can find additional information regarding depression on this website or my website at www.drjoecarver.com.