I Start Crying When I Have to Be Assertive

Reader’s Question

I am 15 years old and I still haven’t developed assertive behaviour. Whenever I am in put into a situation where I have to stand up for myself my adrenaline starts to rise so much that I begin to cry. The thing is, it’s not something that I can control — it’s like tears start to well up as a way to let the anger/anxiety out of my system. I’d like to be able to rid my body of any anxious behaviour some other controlled way.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let me first point out that sending me this question is a form of assertiveness — recognizing that you need to improve on something and taking the right step to fix it. If you review your day, you probably are assertive many times…but that’s not the type of assertivesness that’s giving you trouble. Most social situations that require assertiveness are routine — “Here’s my math paper” or “I’m not going to the game Friday night”. People have the most difficulty with assertive situations that contain strong emotions. As you correctly describe, when an emotional situation is involved, the body releases adrenaline and other chemicals — creating a “fight or flight” emotional sensation. This release of emotional chemicals often turns an assertive situation into an aggressive situation as you know. It can also be overwhelming and create an emotional overload — producing crying, tearfulness, tremors of the hands, cold hands, muscle tension, and leg shaking.

The biggest causes of problems in this area are:

• Lack of social experience. This is very common in teenagers. Teens have strong emotional reactions, complicated by puberty and hormone changes. Teens also have little experience dealing with complex social situations that may require some very strong yet controlled emotional assertiveness. Over many years, adults develop social skills that make assertiveness, even in emotional situations, more controlled. To be fair, not all adults have mastered the skill of controlled emotional assertiveness, and temper tantrums by adults are often seen in public businesses and locations. In this situation, you can gradually practice being more assertive each day. Stating your opinion is a form of assertiveness that can be practiced.
• Emotional Memory (see article on this website) often creates the situation you are experiencing. Our brain remembers emotional situations and records both the situation and the emotions we feel at that time. If we’ve been bitten by a dog, the next time we see a dog we feel frightened (the emotion) and remember our previous bite (the situation). If your parents or others have reacted with aggression when you expressed your opinions in the past, you can become traumatized about expressing yourself. Your crying and emotional distress is actually your memory fearing the consequences that you’ve had in the past. I worked with a young woman who made facial grimaces when she expressed herself emotionally. We quickly discovered that her mother had a habit of impulsively slapping her in the face when she didn’t like her daughter’s comments. Those facial grimaces were the “emotional memory” of being slapped repeatedly and her brain was preparing for another slap each time she expressed herself, even to other people. My article on Emotional Memory provides some strategies for this situation.
• Low self-confidence can also produce your reaction. You may feel your opinion may be unworthy or inappropriate. If you’ve been criticized for your opinions in the past (Emotional Memory again), you may be very hesitant to express yourself. You can search the Internet for ways to improve your self-esteem and confidence. You can also begin by expressing yourself in nonthreatening situations, gradually increasing the emotional intensity of your expressions. It’s like going from “I don’t care for science fiction movies” to eventually telling the teacher “I think you’ve been very unfair” or a boyfriend “I don’t appreciate being treated with disrespect! If it happens again our relationship is over!” At your age, you’ve got plenty of time to work on improving those skills.
• A high level of stress in your life may also make emotional expression difficult. Read a few of the stress article on this website. If your stress level is high, work to reduce your stress and improve your self-confidence at the same time. You may consider working with a counselor as well.

Keep in mind that having an emotional reaction when we express ourselves is very normal. When controlled and used properly, it puts the “fire” in a speech, the drama in acting, the “intensity” in artistic expression, and the assurance in a promise. When our government leaders promise us something, we want to have the feeling that they are emotionally involved in that promise or statement.