Sister-In-Law Can’t Function Socially

Reader’s Question

My husband’s 24 year-old sister has no friends and is so socially awkward that she can hardly function in society. Instead of taking me up on my offers to go for walks or come to church youth night, she insists on dropping by our house uninvited, without calling first. Because my husband is away on business much of the time, she knows she can catch me alone. I’ve asked her to please call first, but that didn’t last long. I’ve actually stooped to keeping my front blinds shut and locking the doors so I don’t have to answer when she knocks. As a guest, she doesn’t know when it’s appropriate to leave, and she offers no form of conversation. Once she was in my house for 9 hours straight, and even though I go about my daily business, she’ll follow me around the house, even into the bathroom. If I choose not to answer the door when she drops by, she walks around the side of the house and peers in windows to see if I’m home. I feel like a trapped mouse.

She’s had suicide attempts and been on antidepressants, so I don’t want to say anything that will make her feel worse, but she also uses that as an excuse to manipulate people and get attention. My husband’s other sister and her family moved to the other side of the country because they couldn’t stand her constant emotional clinging. I’m at my wit’s end. My husband says I should confront her outright, but I don’t feel it’s my duty. How can I help her when she refuses to help herself?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your sister-in-law is more than socially awkward. She’s awkward and lonely. She has nothing to do and nowhere to go. Her lack of social skills is a symptom of her psychiatric illness. This is not actually a personality disorder as she has no agenda other than being with someone (although not actually interacting with them). In such situations, it’s important that you take control rather than constantly reacting to her presence. Some ideas:

• Accept that she will be involved in your life. Right now she’s controlling that involvement when you should be controlling the situation.
• Be assertive, not rude. Individuals with such poor social skills often need to be told when to go home. They are unable to pick up social cues/hints (as you’ve noticed). It’s totally appropriate to tell her “It’s time for you to go home now. Call me in a few days and we’ll get together again.”
• Rather than allow her to visit without notice, place her visits on a schedule — perhaps a few times a week such as two mornings or afternoons a week. Be polite and friendly during those times, but when she drops by any other time, inform her that you’ve got plans and you’ll see her on the next scheduled time.
• Use the scheduled times to help build her social skills. Go for a walk or shopping. Do some activity such as gardening or even housecleaning. Keep in mind that she is socially and personally nonproductive due to her psychiatric condition. You can actually use your time with her as a form of occupational therapy for her.
• Involve your husband in the strategy. During off-days he can call her and discuss what she’s been doing or how she enjoys walking. In this way, you have a team strategy to manage her social activity.
• Try to get her involved in hobbies, something she can use in her spare time. Introduce her to the library of other public recources in the community.
• When she talks about her depression, discuss her treatment options in the community. Suggest that she become involved in volunteer groups.
• By being assertive, you’re not going to make her condition worse. In truth, she’s developing social behaviors that will actually make her long-term recovery less likely. Your assertiveness is something that is appropriately found in the community and she needs to improve her social capabililty, not become more clinging and dependent.

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