Unfaithful in My Dreams?

Reader’s Question

I have been married for 3 years, and I love my husband very much. But recently I have been having very vivid dreams about my first “love”. These dreams involve him coming back into my life and me sneaking around my husband’s back to see him and even considering divorce to be with him. In real life I know I would never do this. My first “love” treated me poorly in the end of our relationship. Now I admit that every once in a while I will think about where he is or what he is doing but is that bad?? I feel horribly guilty about these dreams and they are not even real. Thinking about these dreams puts my stomach in knots and makes me feel anxious. What do they mean and how can I stop betraying my husband in my sleep?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Remembering, thinking, and even dreaming about old sweethearts is not uncommon. When we are in a relationship with someone — or when we are involved in an emotional situation for a period of time such as a romance, high school, military service, childhood, etc. — the brain forms thousands of “emotional memories” of the experience. These Emotional Memories contain details of the relationship and the feelings we had at the time — creating the stomach knots. Emotional Memories can be triggered by daily events such as sights, songs, other people, etc. When we trigger these memories during the day, we are likely to dream of them as well. This is a normal situation — although it can be uncomfortable.

When we have a history of bad or traumatic events, the brain often uses those memories to torment us when we become stressed or depressed. If you’re under a lot of stress at this time — job, pregnancy, relocation, etc. — your brain may have brought up those memories to upset you. Under stress, people often think/dream about their worst times…it’s weird, I know.

You are not betraying your husband in your sleep. Those dreams are part of the normal thinking and dreaming process. During the week you will also dream about old friends, your high school and childhood years, and even your husband. Because you have some bad memories with your past relationship, having one of those dreams is more emotionally uncomfortable. Be entertained by it, not upset by it. Actually, if a dream upsets us, we will be likely to have it more often. It’s like trying not to think of a white polar bear…

It doesn’t mean anything, and it’s not dream infidelity…but it is personal and private. Take no action and just be entertained. If we allow the dreams to be calmly entertaining, they will pass through. If however, your stress level is very high, the presence of these dreams may suggest a level of depression and/or stress. In that case, review a few of the depression tests and articles on this website to see if additional action is needed on your part.