Finding Support After the Death of My Child

Reader’s Question

Last year our son died at the hands of a store robber. He was killed along with a friend and the store manager. The murderer pleaded guilty and my husband and I actually were able to forgive, but believe me we won’t ever forget. My husband and I both have many supportive friends, but my husband has turned to a single female acquaintance he has known for many years. He empathically states that he is not sexually involved but I know they have a closeness. He calls her when he feels the need to talk. She does not call him and has told him she feels she is interferring. I want to be supportive of anything that helps ease the pain, but I feel he is distancing himself from me. He and I can talk and he tells me what is going on. We have not sought counseling since our son passed and I will do so, today. I really feel guilty telling him it’s her or me when I know she is actually helping the situation. He also was a heavy drinker and I think she has actually worked for the good on this and his stress. I know he is playing with fire but I don’t won’t to kill the guy.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The loss of a child, especially under such tragic circumstances, creates severe stress on the parents and family members. This level of stress can continue for several years. Recovery is complicated by many factors, including:

• Family members grieving in different ways. While some find support in their faith or close friends, others find support in alcohol or other numbing or even distracting activities. Some need to talk, others need to be alone for awhile.
• People grieve on different schedules. Bereavement is a process and transition. Each person will have their own journey through that process, at their own pace. Conflicts surface when family members discuss the loss from different perspectives — each viewing the loss from their unique bereavement schedule.
• Discussions between family members are often extremely intense and difficult. Each family member has intense “emotional memory” (see article on this website) that surfaces with each discussion — making those marital discussions very emotional. An emotional expression to you by your husband triggers your grief reaction and memories.
• For the reason listed above, it’s not uncommon for individuals to seek support from a person who has no “emotional memory” related to the situation. In that way, the grieving individual can discuss his/her feelings without triggering emotions or distress in the other person. Friends, ministers, counselors, mental health professionals, etc. often serve in this role. Your husband has selected an old friend but clearly, that situation is creating additional issues.

From your description, his female supporter is behaving appropriately. She is not calling him, not initiating these sessions, and is appropriately reminding him that her involvement might be viewed as interferring. In this situation, both you and the old friend are distressed with your husband’s behavior. At the same time, you are both “stuck” and trying to find a solution.

Your husband’s behavior isn’t actually against/away from you. It’s also not toward the good friend. It’s actually for him. I’d recommend:

1. Discuss with your husband that professional counseling is clearly needed based on his need to talk.
2. Calmly review that his current approach of talking with his friend will place significant stress on her as a person. She’s not trained to respond to or support others at the level needed in your situation.
3. Discuss the need to shift from talking to friends (for both of you) to talking to a professional — and make an appointment.
4. Review my article on Emotional Memory as it will be helpful in controlling intrusive thoughts/reactions.
5. Express your appreciation to his friend for her support during this difficult time.
6. Suggest to your husband that there are other alternatives to alcohol. He may benefit from an antidepressant medication.
7. In taking these actions, assure your husband that the goal is to preserve existing friendships based on being friends, not based on issues related to your loss.

Your counselor will likely offer additional information and suggestions. This is a very difficult life passage for your family. Taking the journey as a team and couple offers your best long-term outcome.