Guilt About My Affair

Reader’s Question

I was reading about guilt with an affair. I’ve been having an affair for 4 weeks now. I’ve known this man for 2 years, and he’s tried to pursue me but I never gave in until now. It was only going to happen once. We have started talking everyday and meet twice a week to just talk and get to know each other and twice a week for sex. It’s getting intense and feelings are beginning to appear. He’s been married for 28 years and I’ve been married for 5 years. I feel sick to my stomach all the time because of the guilt. I want to end it but don’t know how. I feel like I’m falling in love again for the first time. Please help!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Feeling sick to your stomach all the time is not a sign of falling in love. If this man has pursued you — considering the fact that you’ve not accepted his advances until now — he’s sexually predatory. This is not love, it’s something else…and it’s not likely to work out positively for you. In truth, you’re not getting to know each other — he’s pretending to “get to know you” in exchange for sexual behavior. You’ll find he has the same interest and loyalty for you that he has for his wife.

Everybody makes bad judgments from time to time. Like many “players” — he’s sexually pursued and monitored you over time, “grooming” you with sexual comments/hints/compliments, waiting for your position to weaken. Now that you have, he’s placed you on a schedule of twice a week. While this may be exciting — like that rollercoaster feeling of being excited and sick to your stomach at the same time — the relationship is potentially harmful for you. He has no concern for your five-year marriage or how this relationship will eventually end (and it will). If caught, he will explain to his wife of 28 years that you created the situation, he will then maintain a low profile for about six months, then target another victim.

My advice is end this relationship as soon as possible…and I do mean end it. No further contact, no meetings, no discussions, etc. I’d recommend reading my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. You’ve experienced a weakness in judgment…something that happens to everyone from time to time. Correct your mistake and return to your real life … not the fantasy created by an individual who obviously has no true feelings for you, his wife, his family, or your family.

This may sound like a harsh response…but it’s not nearly as harsh and damaging as how these situations eventually end. Rather than hoping something wonderful will happen, you need to protect yourself.