Girlfriend Seems Covered in Red Flags

Reader’s Question

I have been seeing my new girlfriend for two months now and we are very much in love, even looking for somewhere to move in together. I have a few concerns though. She is very good friends with her ex of two and a half years, who I might add she cheated on. When that relationship ended she continued to have sex with him and 3 of her friends in a casual way. This causes me concern because she lives about an hour away and we don’t get a lot of time together…3 or 4 days a week, if we are lucky. She is still very good friends with all these people, who I have not yet met, one of which will call and text her until 2 or 3 am, even when he knows she is with me and in these instances I am just left sitting there like a fool. In past relationships I have been cheated on and I find it hard to trust sometimes. I don’t think she is unfaithful but having been in simular situations I am worried that I am letting history repeat.

– North west of the UK

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I’ve got to be honest…this doesn’t look good. There’s enough alarms here for four fire departments. Let’s start with:

• Dating 3-4 days a week long distance and looking to move in together. Not only is that rather early, but in view of other issues, she’s not made a commitment to you as yet. As you describe, this is a limited-contact relationship and she’s promising to move in. It probably won’t happen.
• She has a history of not only cheating on a boyfriend, but continuing their relationship sexually after they break-up, only adding 3 additional casual partners. While her lack of sexual boundaries may be appealing at some level, this behavior tells you that sexual expression is a behavior for her rather than an expression of emotional intimacy and/or commitment. There are also multiple health issues associated with multiple sexual partners — something she apparently isn’t too concerned about.
• The calls and text messages at all hours when she is with you suggest that her previous partners have no respect for you or her new relationship. Said another way, the people she considers best friends or ex’s are jerks, and if these no-respect people are her best friends, she’s exhibiting significant problems in friend selection. The quality of our friends says a lot about us.
• Even worse, by taking the calls and text messages in your presence, she shows no respect for you or your relationship. For her, receiving a call in the middle of the night from an ex lover is more important than you, and more important than the potential live-in relationship. This behavior is a significant “red flag” that tells you how little she values the relationship. From an emotional and social standpoint, she’s already “cheating” on you.
• Adding gasoline to the fire, her behavior shows no consideration for your feelings and/or position regarding her behavior. She’s not concerned that the late-night contacts upset or distress you. She doesn’t care.
• She is keeping you separate from her “real life” in another town. You haven’t met her friends (probably a good thing actually!) and she is working hard to keep your relationship with her restricted — so many days/hours a week, no contact with her friends, a safe distance, etc. — yet promising to move in with you. This doesn’t sound good and in fact, I’d grab my wallet.

I suspect you’re caught by a Personality Disorder (see articles on this website). I also suspect that promises of true love and moving in together are not likely to come true. I’ll bet a dinner that you’ll be approached for money very soon, if you already haven’t been. I suspect you’re dealing with a highly manipulative individual who has equally manipulative and disrespectful friends…and you’re the target.

I’d read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. We also have a discussion group with over 700 entries on this topic. I’d observe her behavior and promises. I wouldn’t make any big decisions as this relationship has more red flags than a flag factory. Protect your wallet and don’t co-sign anything for her. I think you’re dealing with an individual who could damage you emotionally and financially.

That’s my take on the situation.