A Heavy Heart…My 18 Year Old Daughter Moves Out

Reader’s Question

I write you with a heavy heart. My 18 yr old daughter moved out yesterday to stay at her boyfriend’s house with his family. She basically did not want to follow rules that are established here. Since meeting and dating him she’s dropped out of high school, lost tremendous friends, lost interest in her family or get togethers, and her main focus is him. She had been babysitting for his mother’s new baby for gas money lately, and her boyfriend has no job, no car, basically nothing to offer her. Last week she told my husband that she wanted to go back to school and missed the fact that she missed prom and her friends, etc.. She confided in my husband about his reaction to her wanting to go back — that he was upset and that she’d be letting his mother down and she won’t be able to work without a babysitter. I tried to talk with her about his reaction and she basically told me, it’s none of my business and I’m not going back to school!!! I nearly cried, but I held it in and I’ve pretty much just backed off; I can’t tell her how to lead her life, but I really don’t want to see her ruin it either… Help, what can I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your situation is not uncommon. I’ve written about it in an article on this website entitled “Love and Stockholm Syndrome“. It addresses the family strategy when a son or daughter is isolated due to their involvement in a romantic relationship. There are also several hundred discussions and comments on the website discussion group on the topic. I’d recommend the strategies I’ve outlined in the article plus…

• Your daughter is now “trapped”, overwhelmed by guilt and obligation to a bad situation. She’s made a mistake, probably painfully recognizes it, but doesn’t know what to do. Due to their inexperience, young adults fall into some terrible situations and also due to their inexperience, don’t know how to get themselves out. Recognize that she knows she’s in a bad deal. Our tendency as a parent is to point out all the things/issues they already know — creating embarrassment and prompting a mind-your-own-business reaction on their part.
• Your daughter needs her Mother now. Focus your conversations on any way you can help as a mother. Be “motherly” rather than analyzing, interrogating, etc. If we listen to the difference between your approach and that of your husband, we can see that he avoids her “personal” issues in conversations — so she confides in him. Women talk to each other very personally which creates a disadvantage in these situations…unless she’s ready to talk.
• Parenting is often a tag-team sport. Let your husband take the lead in this situation. Don’t mention anything to her that Husband says to you about the situation. If she needs your help and mentions it to your Husband…don’t call her when he relays that information to you. Let him assure her that you are accessible and available — then offer help when she calls. Imagine your parenting with her on two separate channels…at least at this time.
• Right now guilt, embarrassment, and obligation are keeping her there. You can’t bring her back to the family using those same methods. Make your contacts with her supporting, hoping she is OK, letting her know that you’re thinking about her, etc. Keep a line of communication open. If you remain neutral and supportive, the turmoil and pressures of that other family system will eventually bring her back in your direction.
• Do some homework. View her decisions as disrupting her life — not ruining it. If she casually mentions returning to school, have that information about her options available to you…such as community college, GED, night school, another school option, etc. Anticipate her questions and get the answers. Keep in mind, when she asks questions in the current family system — they only tell her that they need her. They’re not concerned about what she needs.
• When she does return, she will arrive distressed. With your prior homework, have access to a counselor or mental health professional available. There is no way to escape her current situation without being depressed or emotionally exhausted…so don’t expect her to return home happy. She’ll just be returning…

Developing a family strategy works best in difficult family situations. Right now, Dad has her ear so allow him to be the family contact. No, he won’t ask all the questions other family members might want…but he’ll maintain contact, which is the most important aspect of any family strategy.

Rate this post?

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...