Husband’s Pretty Young Boss Has a Crush on Him

Reader’s Question

My husband’s young and pretty boss seems to have formed a romantic attraction to him. It is obvious to me, and he enjoys the attention (of course). His boss has begun using my husband as a confidant for her private life and sharing details. My husband spends most of his free time with me and we have a wonderful attentive relationship. I do not want to blow this out of proportion and accuse my husband of anything that he has not participated in, but at the same time I feel uncomfortable and co-workers have mentioned their close relationship to me. Is there any “Right” way to handle this situation?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The young boss seems to be having some problems being “The Boss”. This may be a romantic attraction or maybe a need to feel supported in her inexperienced supervision position. She is obviously having some problems with her personal and professional boundaries — discussing her private life with someone under her supervision.

Your husband may be an unintentional participant in this situation. With the co-workers talking about it, you’ll need to discuss the situation with your husband. Some guidelines:

• Begin the discussion with an acknowledgement that the boss seems to have a crush on him or that co-workers are noticing something. No accusations.
• Emphasize that as a couple, you’ll need to develop a strategy for handling this situation, much like a strategy to deal with a troublesome neighbor or in-law. You’ll need a strategy that minimizes risk and embarrassment for everyone.
• From his standpoint, he may be focusing on her personal life and trying to help or listen. When he does that, she thinks all his attention is focused on her and in a way it is…but only in the sense that he’s listening to her stories. To de-focus the discussion on her, Husband needs to bring You and the marriage into the discussion — and frequently. People who frequently include their spouse and family in their office chit-chat are rarely targeted for romantic attention. They are sending a strong signal that they are already involved…and enjoy it. Husband needs to reference You and the marriage frequently. When she talks about dating, for example, he can offer “Dating is pretty tough. It took awhile to find my perfect woman (you of course).” As he references you and your relationship, sharing personal stories and details will become less interesting to her. After all, she probably wants to hear about herself, not you or your relationship.
• From your standpoint, memorize a “press release” — a short yet neutral/nonthreatening statement provided when something about the office gossip is mentioned. Tell everyone the same thing. Don’t mention suspicious or concerns, something like “Well, it doesn’t surprise me (husband talking to boss). He’s always been a talker. When he stops talking to me, then I’ll worry.”

Again, it’s important to develop a strategy as a couple. Keep the issue light-hearted and calm, as if the pizza delivery guy had a crush on you. Most of all talk to him. Keeping communication open and available in a relationship also keeps the relationship secure.