Why Do Abusive Parents Deny the Abuse Ever Took Place?

Reader’s Question

I would be grateful if you could answer a question that has been puzzling me for some time. Almost without exception, with every person I know that suffered abuse in childhood, when they talk to their parents about it as adults, their parents deny it ever took place. Why? In the case of my mother, I was there and I know it happened, and I believe my friends — how can they look you straight in the eye and negate you like that? I am truly puzzled about it.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The key to understanding a denial of abuse by an abusive parent is understanding that their abusive behavior was one of many signs, attitudes, and behaviors in their personality. Abusers tend to have what we call “Personality Disorders” (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). An individual with a Personality Disorder (PD) doesn’t operate by the same logic, feelings, or needs as healthy individuals.

As I describe in my article on Personality Disorders (PD), they have many characteristics in common, including:

1. The “It’s All About Me” syndrome — total selfishness,
2. Denial of personal responsibility for their behavior — this is your parent,
3. When confronted, they view themselves as the victim,
4. A pattern of deception, lies, and manipulations, and a host of other characteristics. Abusive parents will always have a “reason” something took place — and it’s never their fault. As a child, you “fell” against the wall — you only think you were thrown.

They can look you straight in the eye and deny their responsibility for an even bigger reason. They don’t care what you believe. They have no personal interest in answering your questions or putting your soul at rest. They are actually (in a selfish way) offended that you dare question their behavior and for that reason, a lie and denial is perfectly appropriate. Personality Disorders have a tremendous sense of “entitlement” that allows them to justify any and all abusive and damaging behaviors — and feel no guilt, responsibility, or remorse for their actions. Keep in mind they’ve had practice with the look-you-in-the-eye denial — they’ve used it with police, child protective agencies, relatives, concerned school professionals, etc. A Personality Disorder is only interested in their welfare and have no boundaries when it comes to lying their way out of a confrontation or legal jam. Sadly, they would rather try to convince an abused child or adult that they were hallucinating rather than acknowledge that they personally abused them. And after all those denials and deceptions, the parent walks away with a smile on their face — they avoided responsibility again!

Do your research on Personality Disorders. You’ll also find techniques used by PDs in the article Identifying Losers in Relationships and the plight of the victim and their families in Love and Stockholm Syndrome. You are not alone and in truth, will never hear an apology or acknowledgment from your parent regarding the abuse. At the same time, you don’t need her acknowledgement and validation to know you were abused or to be successful as an adult.