Divorced Abusive Dad…How do I Reconnect with My Children?

Reader’s Question

“As an adult they [people with a personality disorder] now know only know how to relate to others with intimidation, threat, anger, manipulation, and dishonesty. This defective social style continues, even when those around them are socially skilled, concerned, accepting, and loving.” (Understanding Personality Disorders in Relationships, page 3)

This quote from your article explains my long term relationship with my former spouse. My ability to continue in it was diminished until there was almost nothing left of me so I left. Unfortunately, my relationship with my adult children will be off kilter for years to come because I left their dad.

My thinking is not straight on this point, but I trust that with time my children will accept me back into their trust. What can I do now to facilitate that? Am I on track to continue calling once a week to ask how they are, even though they don’t pick up the phone or return my calls?

– In Ohio

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your children, even as adults, may remain under the influence of their father for several reasons, such as:

• Over the years, they have developed strategies to avoid conflicts, abuse, and manipulations from their father. Those strategies are still very active and may include avoiding contact with you — to avoid retaliation from Dad. While you are no longer “walking on eggshells” around him, they are.
• The adult children may have some resentment toward you. If we think about it, you’ve upset the Abuse-and-Intimidation table of organization in the family. With your departure, they may be forced to endure rants about you from their father.
• The adult children may still be connected to Dad — financially, need his help for some reason, etc. To now align themselves with you would jeopardize those connections as Dad would clearly terminate his relationship with them at the slightest suggestion that they were disloyal.

Yes, you are using the correct approach. I’d use the strategies I’ve outlined in my article “Love and Stockholm Syndrome“. I recommend regular, scheduled, nonthreatening, and nonphilosophical contacts with your children. Even if they don’t respond at this time, they know you don’t have an issue with them or their turmoil associated with the marriage. It may require a long time for them to sort out their feelings, especially if they are connected to Dad in various ways.

Keep on your path. Recovery from a dysfunctional relationship can take several years and the individual recovery times of those involved may vary. In the end, each adult child will need to create a different relationship with you — one that doesn’t involve the issues and concerns of their Dad.

Ohio? Go Buckeyes!