Telling My New Spouse About Past Abuse

Reader’s Question

I lost my virginity very painfully to my first boyfriend when I was 18. Sex was always painful with him, but he never forced me. He was mentally abusive and his mother was physically abusive to him. I am married now and told my husband that my ex was physically abusive without giving him details. I want to clear up this lie and I don’t know how to start. Please help me.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I don’t think you’ve told a lie here. You have informed your husband that your ex was physically abusive and did not provide additional details. You mention that the ex was mentally abusive but didn’t force sexual relations on you. However, it’s clear that he ignored your pain and physical discomfort during sexual activity which is a type of physical abuse. I’m sure you realized that if you had refused sexual activity you would have been mentally/verbally abused for your refusal. For this reason, I don’t think you’ve lied to your husband as your relationship with your ex was abusive in several ways.

At this point, you’ve provided him information that may be helpful in understanding your background. You’re under no obligation to provide details of your abusive experiences and I would not offer them. You will find that being in an abusive relationship will create traumatic memories of the abuse. These traumatic memories — called “emotional memories” — can intrude into your current marriage and create bad feelings and odd reactions to situations. I would recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory to prepare yourself for those past memories that may surface as you continue in your new relationship.

In romantic relationships, individuals often bring “ghosts” of past relationships in the form of Emotional Memories. Using the methods I describe in the Emotional Memory article, you can fade out your trauma memories as well as expell the old ghosts. Once you’ve done that, you and your husband are free to continue your lives and make your own memories — hopefully only positive memories.

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