I Guess You Could Say I Have “Daddy Issues”

Reader’s Question

Alright, so I’m an 18 year old female and I guess you could say I have ‘daddy issues’. I had a more or less absent father and he passed away just a few months ago. Ever since I started dating, every relationship I try and get into ends horribly because about two months into it, I freak out. I suddenly start nitpicking, picking fights and stop wanting him to touch me. I’m in a relationship right now and it’s about to that point. Although all of these things are starting to come up, I still love him, miss him and think about him all the time…I just don’t want him to touch me and he is annoying the crap out of me lately. Why do I do this and how do I make it stop? Should I just stick through it and see if it goes away?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are several aspects of your situation that need a response. If we think about how “daddy issues” come about, a child forms a bonding relationship with a father who turns out to be a minimal or absent parent. At the time when you are most aware of your love for you father, he’s absent in your life. That creates a sense of abandonment and more importantly, a memory of those feelings. The issue involves “emotional memory” — memory that contains not only details but the feelings we have when those memories are made. It’s like hearing a song and automatically remembering a best friend, a location, an activity, etc. and automatically feeling happy, joyful, etc.

Emotional Memory (see my article on this website) then creeps into your relationships. Any sensory stimulation can pull a memory — smells (perfumes), sights (buildings), hearing (songs), tastes (certain foods), and even touch. Importantly, our “Emotional” feeling levels can pull old emotional memories. Here’s where the relationship theory comes in….

Dating involves a process of gradually increasing feelings — one way or the other — and you grow to like them or dislike them. When you begin dating…all is well. After about two months and you’ve not kicked them out — your affection/closeness for them begins to surface. BINGO! The feeling level triggers your older memories. Your brain remembers that the last time you felt this way (loving your father was the first time), the individual left you. Your brain suddenly pulls tons of “emotional memories” that now replace that affection with resentment, bitterness, apprehension, and fears of abandonment. The new boyfriend starts to emotionally look like Daddy. This is why all your relationships will fail at the same time and with the same set of feelings — no matter who the young man is or how he behaves. The anger and resentment you have toward your father is now displaced on the new boyfriend…to his surprise. He won’t have any idea where your mood is coming from.

If that’s not enough, with your father passing away a few months ago, you are now going through a highly stressful bereavement. On the surface, you might not have a close relationship with your Father. However, his death is the passing of all hopes and dreams of what might have happened, what you would have liked to tell him. This is a highly stressful time for you, actually increasing any emotional memories and “daddy issues” you might already be experiencing.

Importantly, all this is within normal range and your “daddy issues” are issues that frequently develop in situations like yours. I’d read the Emotional Memory article and consider seeing a counselor/therapist. Most people have past emotional memories that are triggered by daily events. Once we recognize what is happening, we become better at recognizing them when they surface and managing them in our daily life. While this situation is complex and distressing for you, it can be repaired to allow your life to continue without sudden emotional roadblocks that seem to pop up out of nowhere.