Can I Have a Relationship with My Mother That Isn’t Chaotic?

Reader’s Question

I am a 30 year old, independent female from central Illinois. My Mother’s attitude/personality has been affecting my ability to have a relationship with her and it seems to get worse as time passes. I have to limit contact with her for the sake of my sanity. I called her a few days ago with the intention of having lunch and she immediately went into a tirade regarding my infrequent contact (I called her a couple weeks ago). I am always the one to initiate contact, of which I reminded her. I have a full schedule with work, home maintenance, my pets, other relationships, etc. I explained to her that as a single female with one income, I have to work a 40+ hour week to take care of finances. I told her that she may want to think about why I’m not around much, like maybe it’s her treatment of me.

She’s extremely envious of everyone and has a very cavalier attiude about other people’s finances/money. She makes demeaning, passive-aggressive comments to me or to other people who I’m close to. I am loathe to bring my boyfriend or friends around her since she takes the opportunity to demean me in front of them or behind my back. I have two adult siblings who have both moved out of state and limited ties with her as well. I’m trying to have at least a limited relationship with her, but I’m wondering if it’s worth the effort. I’m not willing to submit to her unreasonable expectations and apologize for perceived wrongs. How can I have a meaningful relationship with her that isn’t so chaotic?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your mother is exhibiting signs of a Personality Disorder (see my introduction personality disorders), fitting the “Queen of Drama” model. Individuals with a Personality Disorder (PD) are self-absorbed, jealous, controlling, and attention-demanding. Their motto is typically “It’s all about ME!” They seek personal attention at the expense of others, creating the demeaning behavior you experience when in the company of others. About 9 percent of the adult population has a PD, so many become parents (not always good parents). If your parent has a PD, life as a child and adult are very difficult. It’s impossible to have a normal, emotionally healthy relationship with them, as healthy relationships require respect, love, sharing, consideration for others, and a willingness to let others “shine” and receive attention. Personality Disorder folks don’t do those well. If you have success as an adult (job, romance, etc.) the PD parent becomes jealous and actually becomes critical and demeaning. As you pointed out, your siblings recognize this and have moved out to a safe distance — a strategy not uncommon when dealing with PD parents.

Can you have a meaningful relationship with your mother that isn’t so chaotic? Yes…but only if you control the relationship. In relationships with a PD, we normally find ourselves in a defensive and reactive mode — responding to their theatrical chaos and creating severe emotional distress in the process. To gain control of the relationship and actually make it better for both of you:

• Recognize that her behavior is related to her PD and not you. Her behavior is not something created by you or your siblings.
• Create a regular contact schedule that might include phone, email, and personal visits. Variable schedules create an opportunity for criticism.
• In phone contacts, provide support and advice at the grocery-store level, without drama and with useful information. She will become hypochondriacal (what a word!) as she gets older so encouraging her to live and eat healthily is appropriate.
• In phone contacts and email, educate her regarding the approved range of conversation — what you will and will not discuss or tolerate. If a phone conversation deteriorates to demeaning comments, remind her “Our conversation is becoming negative now. We can both do without that. I’ll talk to you next week”. Then hang up. Imagine training a child about what are appropriate manners at the dinner table or in public — using that approach.
• Maintain an offensive rather than defensive strategy. Call or visit with your agenda such as to tell her about your job, recent activities, etc. As long as you maintain control of the situation, the drama will be controlled. It’s also helpful to visit with an activity agenda — taking her to lunch, helping her in the garden, etc. Activities decrease the tension that makes her produce more drama.
• She will attempt to draw you into negative conversations about siblings. Don’t take the bait. PD parents often “stir up trouble” as we say in my location. Any comments you make about your siblings will be quickly told to them with an additional 300% negative tone. As long as she keeps siblings at odds, she remains the focus of the theatrics…and thus gets the attention.
• There’s an old saying that “Bad breath is better than no breath at all”. For the Personality Disorder, “bad attention is better than no attention at all”. Don’t support her negativity and guide conversations back to the normal yet positive. When she’s making negative comments about your siblings, respond with something like “I’m sure all parents have their own ideas about educating their children. How was your last trip to the mall?” Keep in mind that it’s attention she wants…so she will allow guiding the conversation as long as she continues to receive some attention and focus.
• Keep in mind that while we always find ourselves defending our behavior, she really isn’t interested in your work schedules or responsibilities. She just wants an excuse to be mean spirited. Allow her to vent a bit, then redirect those conversations. Don’t take them personally.

Your mother’s behavior can also be improved if you and your siblings have an understanding about her behavior. If all children use the same strategy, it will eventually be possible to have a family reunion without the fear of theatrical drama and chaos…although that may be a few years from now.