69 Year Old Father is Reckless and Destructive

Reader’s Question

My 69 year old dad is acting out more than usual, starting end of 2007. He was always our provider until health reasons forced him to slow down years ago. He has never found a hobby since business was his hobby.

He’s been slowly exhibiting reckless and self destructive behavior. He’s been drinking, combining his medication with liquor such that we found him slumped on the floor, unable to move or speak a few times, rushed to hospital once for same. Womanizing too, spending money like crazy and asking all us ‘kids’ and even relatives for money, then spending it. On what, we have no idea and he won’t account for it. Now he wants to sell property at a loss so he can fund his womanizing. Our mother has cancer but he hasn’t stopped this behavior even if it hurts our mom. We all have our own lives, and I live out of the country (2 years now) and cannot check up on him much (just weekly calls). My sister and two brothers have their own families and do check up on him — but of course they cannot be with him as much as they did when they were single. Dad used to talk to me, but now he has shut down about that part of his life when I call him. What can we do to make him realize that he is loved, and he is cared for? How to get through to him and make him understand?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your father’s behavior can be related to several conditions. Due to the dramatic change in his behavior, including financial irresponsibility, lack of concern for others, etc. I suspect these are signs of early dementia or neurological changes. Financial irresponsibility is often one of the first signs of age-related dementia which is why scam and con-artists often target Senior Citizens. Your mother has probably served as a reality anchor for your father over the last years but her medical condition now makes that impossible. The stress of her situation has significantly increased your father’s instability to the level now seen by the family. As a result, your father’s behavior is now uninhibited if not bizarre.

Complicating these age-related neurological symptoms may be the presence of a depression. As part of depression, the brain becomes preoccupied with “the road not taken” or “lost youth”. The depression, when combined with his age-related early signs of dementia, would produce his irresponsible and womanizing behavior. Sadly, he may be unable to fully understand the nature of these irresponsible behaviors.

Interventions in these situations are often more parental and managerial than telling him he is loved. His behavior probably doesn’t stem from concerns about being unloved or unsupported. Instead I’d:

• Stop providing money for his misbehavior.
• Discuss his home behavior with your mother — is he neglectful, abusive, incompetent, etc.?
• Express your concern for his sudden irresponsible and out-of-character behavior and how you suspect it may be related to medical concerns.
• Contact his physician by letter with your concerns, as the physician may not be able to speak with you directly due to HIPAA/confidentiality issues.
• Explore options for legal interventions such as guardianship due to his financial irresponsibility.
• Explain that he would hopefully intervene if the situation were reversed and he felt you or another sibling were being irresponsible.

The family needs to have a unified approach to his behavior and if possible, your mother may need to participate as well. Your father may need a combination of neurological and mental health care.