Haunted by Father’s Deceased Girlfriend

Reader’s Question

To make a long story short: about 7 years ago my dad and his girlfriend of about 5 years got into a fight and he killed her. I am twenty one now and I am afraid to go to sleep at night because I see her in my room. Even if I am not asleep or sleepy — if I am by myself sometimes and I turn around, there she is! I am scared to death of her. I take an over the counter sleep aid to help me sleep. I need sleep because I have a full time job and am a full time college student. Should I go see a psychologist for this? What might they consider — sleep studies, tests, medication? I just don’t know where to look for help.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This situation has several components. The family trauma and the death of your father’s girlfriend have created a group of strong Emotional Memories (see article on this website). When this tragic event took place, you were a young teenager and were traumatized and terrified at the time. These emotions of terror, fright, threat, etc. are connected to memories of those times — and the memory of the deceased girlfriend. For this reason, your memories associated with the event and the girlfriend contain emotions of terror and fright.

Your current situation is very important in this case. You are a full time college student and have a full time job — not to mention what must have been a difficult childhood due to the trauma. Your description of seeing her in your bedroom at night, seeing her out of the corner of your eye, severe sleep problems, and having an anxious sense that she is around, are all symptoms of severe anxiety if not depression. High levels of anxiety (created by changes in brain chemistry) can produce those night visions called hypnogogic experiences (we have great names for everything!). Your description tells me that you are overwhelmed and “stressed out” by your schedule and level of obligations. By addressing your level of depression and anxiety/agitation, your symptoms will decrease.

While you might currently view the deceased girlfriend as a frightening threat, her presence is actually an indication that you are becoming overly stressed. When we become depressed, our brain chemistry becomes dysregulated and at some point in the depression, the brain searches for the most upsetting memory, thought or behavior it can find to torment us. Tormenting us with deceased family or friends is actually very common. As we understand how this happens — that it’s not truly frightening or threatening but rather a warning of our level of stress — many come to accept that they will always have a personal and unique spirit that will visit to remind them when they are becoming too stressed.

You’ll need treatment for depression and stress. The presence of this spirit/vision, severe sleep problems, etc., tell me that you would benefit from an antidepressant medication. Counseling would also be very helpful as you will have symptoms associated with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from time to time due to your childhood trauma. The University should have counseling services available. I’d study depression on this website a take a few of the tests for depression. You can then discuss your depression with your family physician or with a school physician.

Many people in stressful situations find themselves troubled by distressing nightmares or even stress-produced visions of departed individuals. Most come to understand that these spiritual visitations are a normal part of brain chemistry and at a spiritual level, that they are not threatening or frightening. They can be viewed as guardian angels who come to alert us to our high level of stress and the need to de-stress our life. When your symptoms of depression are under control and your stress level lowers, she will fade away.