I’m Starting to See Why Nobody Can Live With My Roommate

Reader’s Question

I have a question about a roommate situation. I recently let my best friend move in with me because she had been moving from house to house, nothing was working out and the last one was a very crazy guy, who actually made both her and I feel scared and threatened to be around. I knew that she was having trouble being able to get along in housing situations, but I figured if worst comes to worst we’ll at least be able to talk about things because we are so open with each other.

It has only been a week, and this is not going well at all. I am the only person on the lease and therefore the only person technically allowed to live here, as well as the person responsible. She has a cat that isn’t allowed to live here, which I said was fine as long as she would take it as well as herself somewhere else if someone from my property managment company was here. Now that she has moved in I am starting to see why nobody could live with her. She is loud after I go to bed; she doesn’t mean to and apologizes, but it seems like while she’s doing it she puts no effort into it at all, and at the same time talks only of herself and everything going on in her life. When she does listen to me about my problems and frustrations all she does is make me feel like an idiot.

At the same time, but completely opposite she tip toes around me and acts like I’m going to flip out if she has her cat here at any time. I don’t like being made to feel like a huge bitch, or like an idiot; I have to make some rules because I have to think about not getting evicted. On her side I know that I get frustrated when she talks to me like she’s terrified of me and then act annoyed, and I can be very blunt once I’m ticked off.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Ben Franklin once said “Fish and visitors smell after three days”. If we think about it, friendships are made up of brief, controlled contacts — scheduled activities, communications, talks, etc. It’s totally different living with someone 24/7. You’ve now discovered why she lives from house to house and why nothing has worked out. Being a roommate or partner requires sharing, respect, and consideration for the other person…and she doesn’t do that well.

Your roommate probably needs to move on. She’s probably too self-absorbed to be a good roommate. In fact, she’s showing signs of a Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders) that include self-centered behavior, denial of personal responsibility, a sense of entitlement, and a high tolerance for distress in others (lack of empathy). She will be using guilt and a sense of obligation to maintain her stay with you rather than being a good friend and good roommate. She’s likely to emotionally exhaust you, as she has done with others. I think you’ll also find that being “terrified of you” is theatrical drama as when we look at her behavior, she has little true concern for how her behavior upsets you or creates difficulties for your life.

Don’t be ticked off…be business. Consider giving her an eviction notice based on business reasons such as:

• violation of the lease,
• your concerns of eviction,
• cat violation,
• different schedules, etc.

Once she’s gone, you may consider reducing her credit — dropping her from “best friend” to “friend” to prevent further episodes like this one. This may sound harsh but she is operating with very little (or no) concern for how her lifestyle and behavior create stress in your life. You will need to protect yourself…as others have done when dealing with her.