Why Do I Run Away from Problems in My Life?

Reader’s Question

I am a 21-year-old female who was raised in a single-parent home (mom) with an abusive brother who is 14 years older than me. My father was not a major part of my life until I was 8 years old, and then only for small parts of my life. I no longer talk to my father, by choice. I married when I was 18 years old to a man who I thought was my “soul mate”, but we have now been separated for almost 5 months.

My main issue is that, whenever a problem arises in my life, I tend to “run away” from the problem instead of dealing with it. The action of running away has been as small as leaving the room to avoid conflict with someone who is in it and as big as moving 2,000 miles away to “clear my head and figure things out” (but really, to get away from the situation). I do not know why I do this and no one else in my family seems to do it aside from me.

I am so tired of running. It has caused me more problems than it has helped and taken me away from people that I honestly care about (both physically and emotionally). I would really like to know if there is a disorder relating to this and if there is a way to stop this “fleeting” response.

Thank you for your time,
– Runner Up

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A run away response is one of several responses and strategies available to us when confronted with a stressful situation. Some other options are being assertive, being aggressive/violent, temper tantrums, trying to solve the problem verbally, or ignoring the problem. Best option when a friend owes you money: being assertive. If confronted by Godzilla: run away.

Your fleeting response is likely related to your childhood of having a single parent and abusive brother. With a much older abusive brother, you learned to run away as your only strategy. You’ve probably also seen few confrontations with positive outcomes on the part of your parents. You may also be experiencing issues with “Emotional Memory” which is the basis for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). People with an abuse history often become overwhelmed with fear, incapacitation, and anxiety when confronted with a stress situation many years later. A stressful adult situation triggers Emotional Memory of our childhood abuse — flashing us back emotionally and psychologically to that abused and intimidated child again. When that childhood intimidation comes back, so does the same childhood strategy — run away. As a result of your childhood experiences, leaving the situation, running away, and avoiding confrontation has been your default or automatic reaction to situations.

Like being fearful of animals due to a childhood experience, this fleeting response can be treated. I would recommend seeking a counselor/therapist who can provide some assertiveness training and other treatment approaches that will open a wide range of confrontation strategies for you — including assertive, aggressive, problem-solving, discussion, confrontation, and yes…running away.

This is very treatable and may be one of the last issues to fix from your childhood. Keep in mind that you already use other options in your life. You have maintained a healthy distance from your Father “by choice”. That’s being assertive, not running away from a situation.