Has Dad Lost Contact With Reality or Just With Morality?

Reader’s Question

I had suspected for a long time that my dad had been cheating on my mom via internet hook-up sites. Come to find out, my mom had long suspected the same thing due to unusual charges on the credit card, etc. Last weekend he failed to adequately cover his e-tracks on my sister’s laptop and she successfully gained access to his account. We found messages from people he’d “hooked up” with, as well incriminating photos. We’d expected this — but two other things cropped up we hadn’t expected. He had also sent private emails to men soliciting them for sex, and attached photos of himself with other men. This didn’t upset my mom, but the second thing did: he had created a ‘couples’ profile that included pictures he had taken of her that she had told him NOT to post on the internet, or anywhere — she had only let him take them with the understanding no one else would see them.

I advised my mom to print ALL of this out and confront him with it so that he could stop denying things. However, even when handed a folder full of messages and photos, he claimed he was innocent and had never actually met any of the people online, said the man in the picture was not him (it very clearly was, in fact, some of the photos were obviously taken in our house). When my mom continued to press the issue, he told her she had cheated on him (she hasn’t, she’s been isolated for their 20+ years of marriage) and went on to hint at suicide. My mom was scared out of pressing the issue, and the next day he acted as though the entire thing had never happened, laughing off her requests to make time to discuss it and figure out where they were going.

I’m worried about my dad, and my mom, but I’m in school 400 miles away.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your father has not lost contact with reality — lost contact with morality maybe — but not reality. Your father exhibits behaviors we often find in “personality disorders” (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). These adults engage in manipulations, deceptions, fantasy, lies, schemes, hidden agendas, denial, and selfishness as a way of life. They tend to be highly self-centered and justify any behavior that provides then with personal satisfaction, entertainment, or pleasure. When confronted with their behaviors, they engage in a multitude of strategies to escape the consequences of their behavior — beginning with lying and denial and increasing the strategies to include suicide threats — until the threat of consequences goes away. Then they return to normal and start again.

I would suspect that your mother is only partially surprised by this latest episode. While the details may be a shock to you, she’s dealt with them on some level for the past 20 years. As you see in her behavior, she has intentionally decided to deny the situation and return to “normal” in the marriage. Her decision may be based on a fear of divorce, her investment in the family lifestyle, low self-esteem, etc. Your father, for his reaction, may keep a low profile for a while.

This experience has clearly rattled your sense of family security. However, your Mom and Dad have decided to continue their relationship. I would continue to frequently contact and interact with your mother — responding to her concerns when she brings them up. I would not continue to focus on the above situation with her but rather assure her that you will be supportive of any decision she makes in the future. You will also need to rethink your relationship with your Father, perhaps changing your position from parent-child to adult-to-adult. Very little will be gained by confronting him with his behavior as you’ll be met with denials, excuses, blaming on others, etc. Instead, rethink the relationship and recognize that he has Personality Disorder features and for that reason, you may need to protect yourself emotionally from his self-centered behavior. Also remind yourself that his behavior is not related to you personally but rather to long-standing personality issues.