13 Year Old Granddaughter Upset Over Dating by Grandparent

Reader’s Question

I am a single grandparent raising a granddaughter. She is 13 years old and it has been just the two of us all of her life. I have met a great guy online and we have been e-mailing and talking on the phone for a couple of months. My granddaughter is very rude to him…totally not like her. She says she doesn’t like him, but can give no reason why. I have tried to talk to her about my possibly dating him and she totally shuts me out. She and I have been very close and I am not sure how to handle my dating with her. I don’t want to lose the closeness we have or chance her beginning to act out or start slipping in school, but I am only 55, lonely and want someone in my life. How do I handle this? I realize she is probably feeling threatened and/or jealous, but I don’t know how to reassure her since she won’t even acknowledge that there is anything wrong. HELP!!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Children have great difficulty articulating complex emotions. As an adult, you are able to identify feelings related to dating such as desiring a romantic companion, feelings about your age, etc. Children experience complex emotions such as jealousy, feeling threatened by changes in their relationships, apprehension, etc. Sadly, they often lack the verbal skills and emotional experience necessary to label or express those feelings. Children have significant problems explaining “why” they feel the way they do and for many, they honestly don’t know.

Her behavior, as you describe, clearly tells you she feels something is wrong. In these situations, the child is threatened by your interest in another person. She may feel:

• She will lose your love as you begin dating,
• She will be forced to share your attention/affection,
• Another adult may intrude into her current home situation,
• She may be forced out of your home,
• You will choose him over her,
• She will be sent to a babysitter every weekend, or
• Any other negative outcome she can think about.

As an adult, we might feel that some of her thoughts are unrealistic, but children have no experience related to adult situations. For this reason, they imagine all types of negative outcomes.

To address her concerns:

• Don’t focus on obtaining an explanation for her feelings. As she begins to understand them, she will slowly bring them forward.
• Provide her with information about what is happening — that you are exploring and considering this new and possible relationship.
• Assure her that your home situation will not change and that dating is not immediate marriage or a relocation 400 miles away.
• Project your thoughts into the future with her included in the future. As you talk about dating, joke that when she is 16 years old (or whatever age you select), the two of you can go on “double dates” with your boyfriends. When parents/guardians date, they tend to talk too much about the future of their dating situation rather than the future with the children — as caring for the children is always assumed. When children feel threatened, they assume the worst.
• Remind her that both of you are not rude people and that her opinion about anyone you date will be considered. Being rude is not necessary.

You can also discuss dating from the position that you and your granddaughter are a family/team. Talk with her about what the family is looking for in the future, what type of person might be a good candidate to join the team, what type you wouldn’t want, etc. Enlisting her participation in your social life will ensure that your relationship with her remains intact. It also tells her that when she begins dating in a few years, you will be asking the same questions and have the same concerns.