Is Justifying Abuse a Sign of Childhood Abuse?

Reader’s Question

I have a problem trying to understand my wife. She had a long affair, before we met, with a man that she knew molested his daughter from age 12 through her late teenage years. Finally the daughter got free from him. My wife insists this was a “very special relationship”. I call it sick and perverted. This is tearing us apart. She says she even took several psych courses to understand him. Before I met her she had had several relationships with married men, and the child molester. It seemed she was always placed as the second or sometimes the third woman in a man’s “stable”. I have always placed her first. I have been thinking (she’s very closed, won’t talk): is this the behavior of someone that could have possibly been molested by her own father?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s human psychology to justify our behavior — both to others and to ourselves. Everyone has an explanation why they have their current career, current partner, or live in their current location. When people find themselves in unusual, bizarre or even criminal situations — those justifications become equally bizarre and don’t make sense to the general public. I’ve addressed the justification process in an article entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser on this website. In situations like you describe, there is a strong need to justify one’s involvement and even knowledge of criminal, bizarre, or perverted actions. Her justification that a “special relationship” was involved is typical and sounds very much like a Stockholm Syndrome reaction.

Your wife is showing a high tolerance for unacceptable situations however. Her high tolerance may be related to childhood and/or that affair you describe. Whatever happened, it may have permanently lowered her sense of self-worth and increased her tolerance of poor treatment and dysfunction in relationships.

When she provides those irrational reasons and justifications, recognize that they are offered to maintain her sanity — not explain or excuse the situation. I would not advise arguing with her about them as she may be fragile in that area — again, protecting herself with a variety of irrational justifications. When those issues arise, remind her that she is in a new relationship where she is Number One…and that’s all that counts.

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