My 51 Year Old Husband is Irresponsible

Reader’s Question

I am overwhelmed with the burdens and responsibilities of our household and I feel that if I didn’t take care of these day-to-day matters myself, we would have huge problems. Our bills are drowning us and the financial obligations keep coming. I pay all the bills, make sure our obligations are taken care of and handle almost all the responsibilities myself.

My husband is a carpenter but seldom works a full 40 hour week. The opportunity is often there, but he has an excuse for every time he comes home early or turns down the overtime. I didn’t know until after we were married that he didn’t pay his taxes so now we are dealing with IRS monthly payments. He also didn’t pay his city tax for 2 years which will eventually catch up with us. His credit is absolutely shot so everything is in my name, which terrifies me. We have a ridiculously small savings (like a thousand dollars) which I try to add to every month. I don’t even give him access to that account for fear he’ll drain it. He has a separate checking account (that the IRS pulls from) and is fortunately unrelated to our household account, because he has been overdrawn in it three times in the last two months.

He smokes over a pack of cigarettes a day, smokes weed daily and consumes an enormous amount of coffee all day long. And although not excessively, he drinks beer every night. His sense of self-worth is fragile and his attitude is often negative and critical. He is a frustrated (yet very talented) musician who is angry that he hasn’t had a ‘big hit’ yet, but really puts little effort into getting his music out there. Did I mention he is 51 years old?

I am overwhelmed and ready to call it quits. The weight of these issues is dragging me down and taking it’s toll on my mental and physical health. He really is a good man who is kind and gentle, but his lack of caring for his and our future is going to be the end of us. I’m not sure what to do at this point.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While your husband may be kind and gentle, he is also very selfish, immature, and irresponsible. Sadly, this is probably a personality and lifestyle, and not something easily corrected. In these situations, his self-worth is not really fragile, as he is actually comfortable with his current pattern of ineffective employment, few responsibilities, and smoking tobacco/pot and drinking alcohol. The selfishness is most obvious in the fact that it doesn’t bother him that the situation bothers you. While you’ve expressed your worry and concern, it hasn’t changed his behavior. From your description, he’s smoking and drinking the equivalent of a few utility payments per month.

There are a variety of conditions that can create this situation. A case could be made for “amotivational syndrome” — a condition found in chronic marijuana use. The most likely cause however is a Personality Disorder (see Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships). We often use the term “passive-aggressive personality” to describe individuals who passively resist expectations for adult-level responsibility, employment, financial stability, etc. They have a high tolerance for minimal lifestyle circumstances and have excuses for their behaviors and lack of adult responsibility.

In your situation, many folks place their partner on probation. Set a date, perhaps six months from now, as a decision deadline. During the next months, try with discussions, confrontations, counseling, etc. to improve your situation and enlist the support of your husband in solving these issues. I suspect you pay all the bills because he has been intentionally ineffective and irresponsible in that area. Begin sharing the details of the finances with him — sharing the burden you carry alone at this point. If after your efforts to improve the situation over the next six months, nothing has changed, then you may want to recognize that his behavior is permanent and will remain at this level for many years to come. At that time, you may need to take steps to protect yourself. Keep in mind, he is fairly comfortable with the situation so you will need to act if you want your life to improve.