My Daughter’s Boyfriend: Is This Guy a Predator?

Reader’s Question

My daughter is 19, and most of her friends have gone on to college. She has no interest in that right now so she’s working. Her new boyfriend is also 19 and has two children already, was fired from his minimum wage job, lives at home and just got his car repossessed. My daughter has known him for awhile (casual), and now all of a sudden he gives her a promise ring (not sure how he paid for it). He says he loves her. He introduced himself to us as our future son-in-law. He got his car repoed on Friday and had her at a car dealership on Saturday buying a car she didn’t need. She drives a car that we own, a 2002 Mazda. He took her to a dealership where a friend of his works. She didn’t even know that she signed for a loan for the car. We stopped it and made her take it back and called the sales manager to report this incident. HELP! Am I crazy, or is this guy a predator?

How do I get her to see that he’s playing her?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While I can’t say he’s a predator, he’s meeting all the criteria for a Personality Disorder (see Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships). This guy is likely a con artist and manipulator. He is using a variety of promises to manipulate your daughter. Your daughter, with her friends in college now, may be susceptible to his promises as she is passing through a transition period — not sure of her next move into adulthood. While she is confused about her next move (a normal situation for her age by the way), here comes Mr. I’ve-Got-All-The-Answers with promises of marriage, home life, etc.

Your daughter is in a dangerous situation. This relationship Loser (see article on Identifying Losers in Relationships) will have no guilt or remorse for the financial difficulties he will cause your daughter or your family. He needs an automobile, so it doesn’t matter to him how he obtains it. He doesn’t care if you don’t like him as a possible son-in-law because he has no intentions of ever being in the family.

I’d read, then print my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships. Remember that to successfully manipulate and use your daughter, he will make a strong effort to separate her from your influence. He will accuse you of interfering with their “special” relationship and he’ll have explanations for all his behaviors and his history. As parents, do what you can to make her less usable — as you did with the car dealership. If he can’t benefit from the relationship, he’ll quickly move to the next victim/target.