Needy Fellow Student Making University Studies More Difficult

Reader’s Question

I go to college with a friend of mine that lives in my neighborhood. We started together 2 years ago, and because we travel together and we only knew each other at first, we became really close. However, I’ve just realized that our relationship is so completely enmeshed, and I don’t know what to do about it. She has to be with me every second — on the train, to the restroom, at lunch. She calls me a few times a night at home. She’s also overbearing — she likes when I eat what she eats, or more importantly, study how she does. Because we are in an intense Doctorate program, this is affecting me more than I can handle. She gets very anxious about school, and because we’re so enmeshed, I get anxious all the time now! And I hate having to answer to her every morning about everything going on in my home/school life, but I don’t want to hurt her…

Please help me! I know it must be partly my problem as well. I’ve told her a couple of times that when she gets nervous it affects me, and she said she’ll be more aware of it, but it hasn’t helped in the least.

Thank you in advance!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While you don’t want to hurt her, this relationship is hurting both of you. It’s not uncommon for friends to seek mutual support when attending university together. In the middle of the new environment, independent living, and increased stress — the mutual support and reminder of home can be very helpful. That mutual support usually fades out as each person feels more stable and secure in the new environment. In your case, your friend has not detached or become independent.

While you don’t want to hurt her, she clearly doesn’t have any problem hurting you or making your life more difficult. I’d recommend:

• Have a talk with her focusing on the need to be more independent — both as people and as students. You need to have your own study schedule, own interests, etc. Don’t approach this as “It’s something we need to do”. Approach it as “Here’s what I’m going to do”. It may sound harsh, but her dependency is harming you, your studies, and her progress.
• A gradual detachment is necessary. Begin doing things independently. Don’t provide information about your daily schedule or routine. Accept calls only on scheduled nights due to your study obligations. Keep in mind she’s calling due to her needs, not your needs.
• At present, she has all her eggs in your basket. Demand that she diversify her anxiety. Recommend seeking a counselor at the university to help problem solve her situation. This is a very common situation in universities as in reality, intelligence is not always correlated with social maturity. Many students are bright enough to attend college — but may not be mature enough. This is why the drop-out rate of college freshmen is about 30% — due to immaturity, not inability.
• To provide her a stable point, agree to meet for dinner, chat, etc. at least once a week. Talk about old times, goofy professors, etc. Make that a scheduled event for several months.
• Assure her that independence is part of the learning experience of attending the university — especially a doctoral program. As a doctoral student, she must learn to be exceptionally independent — not routinely dependent.
• Another harsh reality is that she may not have the social maturity for doctoral studies at this time and you cannot afford to support you and her during the doctoral program. If she needs to drop out and mature before returning to the program, that may be what’s needed in her situation.

This situation and the solution are uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as continuing in this pattern. You’ll need to become assertive and control her involvement in your life before your own health and doctoral studies are jeopardized.