What Should I Say to My Daughter Leaving Home?

Reader’s Question

My daughter is 19 and moving out for the first time to go live with her boyfriend in another town about 4 hours away. There’s so many things I’m afraid she doesn’t know about. I don’t know what all to say to her for her to be safe. I can’t stop crying about the fact of her moving out; we are very close. And she has never been on her own before. What all should I say to her? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I just keep thinking what if…this happens or what if… I’m scared for her. Please help!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Mom…You know:

• You’ve raised her right,
• She has instant communication with you if needed,
• She’s with her boyfriend,
• She knows all the stuff about strangers,
• She’s intelligent and socially competent,
• She doesn’t have enough money to get into too much trouble,
• Daughters tell their mothers everything so you’ll be getting a full report with each phone call and email, and
• You will be monitoring from a distance.

Most importantly: you know she has to make this move sometime.

Separation anxiety goes both ways. Your daughter won’t feel it yet — she’s too excited about her move into adulthood. While she’s talking nonstop about the new city and the adventure she’s looking forward to — all you can think about as a parent is your daughter is leaving. She not leaving…just relocating. She is leaving childhood, which is pretty scary from a parent’s viewpoint.

You really don’t need to tell your daughter anything. However, you’ll need to start telling yourself some things. You are experiencing detachment anxiety, panic, and some depression. You may actually be more scared for you than her. This is very normal. As a father of two daughters that departed for college in the same way — been there, done that! Her leaving home will not change the closeness you’ve had…just her location. You’ll need to establish methods of contact such as cell phone, email, etc. You’ll also need to think about how your life will be changing.

You might want to try something I did over the Christmas holiday. I bought everyone a webcam since all my children are high-tech. We connected them to the computer — downloaded a free videophone program (we used Skype but a variety are available), and can now chat face-to-face anytime we want for free. Parents with children who leave the nest must develop strategies.

The crying spells are, again, very normal. If they persist, however, they may be evidence of a depression in which case you may want to seek mental health consultation.

What should you say to her? Tell her you both will be going through a transition period — your daughter moving into adulthood and independence, and you experiencing a change in the mother-daughter relationship. Don’t tell her do’s and don’ts — rather tell her that you are available to her 24/7 — without the need for a reason to call. When she calls and asks about laundry — talk a lot about that laundry. She will want to hear her mother’s voice from four hours away (she really doesn’t care about laundry). You’re free to do the same thing — call or email her because you heard about a serial killer in Italy and you wanted her to be careful. She’ll talk about that too. Talk to her about anticipated trips home or to her place. Ask her about the shopping options in her new city. She will want to hear your voice and see and hear her mother’s thoughts.

You and your daughter will survive this passage although you may be crying at different times. For now, it’s your turn. For her, it will be in about 3 to 4 months when the newness and excitement of her relocation wears off. It’s difficult, but this is how children move into adulthood. The same closeness that has sustained your relationship with her will sustain both of you during this transition.