I’m Attracted to My Son’s Former Psychiatrist

Reader’s Question

I feel embarrassed to say this, but I feel an attraction to my son’s former psychiatrist. I am a 35 yr. old female going through a very difficult moment in my life — divorcing an abusive husband, switching jobs, dealing with a pre-teenager with behavioral problems, etc. Emotionally I am very fragile right now. For several months we visited this doctor and my son loved him; at the same time, his symptoms improved a lot. Now, let’s say this person felt the same towards me, is this a boundary violation? He is not any longer my son’s doctor. If I cross with him (e.g., in the mall) should I engage in a conversation with him? I am kind of curious because at one point of time I had the impression that this person was attracted to me as well. I should mention that I don’t want to harm anybody.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are several issues here. From the standpoint of the psychiatrist or any other mental health professional, it would be a violation of 1) boundary and 2) multiple relationships. Here’s what the American Psychological Association says about it, from American Psychological Association: Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct:

A multiple relationship occurs when a psychologist is in a professional role with a person and (1) at the same time is in another role with the same person, (2) at the same time is in a relationship with a person closely associated with or related to the person with whom the psychologist has the professional relationship, or (3) promises to enter into another relationship in the future with the person or a person closely associated with or related to the person. A psychologist refrains from entering into a multiple relationship if the multiple relationship could reasonably be expected to impair the psychologist’s objectivity, competence, or effectiveness in performing his or her functions as a psychologist, or otherwise risks exploitation or harm to the person with whom the professional relationship exists. Multiple relationships that would not reasonably be expected to cause impairment or risk exploitation or harm are not unethical. If a psychologist finds that, due to unforeseen factors, a potentially harmful multiple relationship has arisen, the psychologist takes reasonable steps to resolve it with due regard for the best interests of the affected person and maximal compliance with the Ethics Code.

Points #2 and #3 apply — the development of a multiple relationship with a person closely associated or related to your patient and the promise to enter into a multiple relationship in the future. To enter into a romantic relationship with you would be an ethical violation — even though your son is no longer under his professional care.

The second issue here is your emotional status. When you mention that you are going through a difficult time and are fragile, it’s not uncommon to find yourself drawn toward someone who is supportive, kind, etc. In fact, 70% of extramarital affairs occur when people are under severe stress. In truth, this is a dangerous time for you. Decisions and judgment may be shaky at this time. While your attraction toward the psychiatrist may serve as a distraction, that situation can actually create more emotional distress for you. If you have misinterpreted his kindness and therapeutic manner as an attraction toward you, it sets up another emotionally devastating experience if you pursue this relationship. In short, you probably need to focus on stabilizing your life situation at this time. Sadly, you can increase your already high stress level with bad social or romantic judgment. For this reason, you must be extra careful — not extra interested during this time.

Lastly, the meeting at the mall is an interesting question. Professionally, confidentiality is the right of the patient/client and for that reason, mental health professionals often don’t speak first (other than visual recognition) when they encounter current or past clients in public. You certainly have the option of saying hello to the psychiatrist if you meet in the mall, but each professional has his or her personal way of handling those situations. Some say “Hi” and move on. Some are comfortable chatting. I can assure you that if he’s at the local mall, this situation has surfaced frequently. As a psychologist in a small community, it’s a very rare event where I don’t see someone I know when shopping or at a restaurant. I would imagine that a short hello is appropriate.