Son Demands that Grandparents See His Children Separately

Reader’s Question

I have four beautiful grandchildren, a girl and a boy from each of our children. Their ages: 6 months, two five years old, and one 7 years old. They have been coming to our home since they were all born and usually all together except for the youngest. We have been having them overnight on Tuesdays and Saturdays and a lot of other days in between. Since the oldest went to school it hasn’t been that frequent. The problem is this: two children from one family want to come to stay without the other one. My son feels that I should tell my other grandchild that she can’t come to my home when they are coming. He doesn’t see a problem with me telling her that and I do. I want all my grandchildren to be welcome at any time and not exclude anyone. They always have a wonderful time when they are together, except for the usual problems with kids, in which case we always intercept and try to find a reasonable solution. Now two of my grandchildren are not coming to stay because I don’t agree with their stipulation. I’ve just engaged in a three hour discussion with my son and he still feels the same. What do you think?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I seriously doubt that your son’s two children have articulately expressed their desire to visit your home without their cousin. The fact that your son is now punishing you by withdrawing his children tells you who has the problem — and it isn’t the children! Your two grandchildren are not coming to stay because your son is punishing you for not complying with his demands. Those grandchildren still want to see their grandmother — but your son is throwing a temper tantrum because you question his demands and are mature enough to stand your ground. Makes you wonder who the child is in this case?

Honestly, your son apparently doesn’t care about your opinion, the feelings of the other grandchildren, or the feelings of his own children who are now prevented from seeing their grandparents and cousins. He’s acting like a “jerk”. He is demanding that you watch only his children, at his schedule, and on his terms — actually excluding the other grandchildren.

You are 100% correct in my book. I would stand your ground and continue your decision. Be aware that:

• Your son will continue to punish you for not meeting his demands.
• While he will punish you, he can’t punish you for very long. He will be missing a babysitter, a couple of nights off, his children will begin to protest, etc.
• When he brings the children back, assume it’s back to the old policy — your policy. Nothing else needs to be said. Just imagine it’s discussing curfew with him when he was a teenager — those are your rules and he is welcome to his opinion, but at your house you make up the rules.
• Keep in mind that this situation is unrelated to the grandchildren. As you accurately describe, grandchildren have their disagreements but generally enjoy each other’s company.
• Your son may have some hidden reason for his behavior — perhaps a disagreement with his brother/sister. It doesn’t really matter, as the home of the grandparents should be “safe ground” for all the grandchildren. Adults and siblings should leave their personal disagreements at the door. In your home, it’s all about grandchildren.

Hope this reply helps…from a grandpa with five grandchildren.