I Think I Still Love My Abuser…Maybe

Reader’s Question

I read the article about Stockholm Syndrome and how it relates to an abusive relationship. “Why do I love my abuser?” Self-preservation is the answer, but my question is, how do I disentangle myself from this emotional bonding? I have left, again, but I want to stay away. It’s a terrible relationship, and he threatened to put a match in my gas tank! I have been talking to him on the phone, I miss him, I kind of think I still maybe love him…blah, blah, blah.

He got arrested. We have a no contact restraining order! What am I thinking? What I want to know is, how do I completely disengage? I need to. I have to. It is in my best interests. Any ideas?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Yes, self-preservation maintains the features of Stockholm Syndrome, but you’re missing an important point. Continued participation in the relationship creates the need for self-preservation…and thus Stockholm Syndrome. Sadly, this “emotional bonding” is not healthy, loving commitment. This “emotional bond” contains emotions of fear, intimidation, guilt, terror, and humiliation.

The only way to completely disengage is to completely disengage. I recommend a policy of “NO CONTACT” of any kind. No multimedia, messages, driving around the house, no calls, no nothing. Any contact you make tells him you are available to be abused again — that he still has power over you. He’s now in punishment mode as he is indignant that you have made an attempt to break away.

You’ll need counseling support and the support of community agencies. My article on Identifying Losers in Relationships has additional hints on maintaining your disengagement. It’s available on this website. If you continue to play tag with him, it’s playing tag with a shark that will have no remorse in hurting you and in fact, feels entitled to do it. I’d also review the discussions on blog posts about Losers on this website. Your situation is not uncommon and hundreds of normal, healthy folks have written about their damaging and toxic relationships with abusers. Learn from their mistakes as well as your own.