Husband Lost Sexual Interest Following New Baby

Reader’s Question

My husband and I have two children. One is my daughter from a previous relationship and the other we had five months ago. We haven’t had sex for about 9 months. We don’t kiss often or really cross any line of sexual intimacy. We will lie in bed and cuddle on occasion but not much more. He has trouble sleeping, is ridiculously stressed at work, and worried a lot. Although not diagnosed, I am sure he is depressed. He had a previously failed marriage and is deathly afraid of a repeat. I understand that this can cause him to not want sex. I am very unhappy without an intimate life. How can I help us regain a healthy sex life and marriage?

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Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

If I do my calculations correctly, intimacy stopped during your fifth month of pregnancy. When you mention that he is ridiculously stressed at work and can’t sleep, I would suspect he’s emotionally overloaded. The addition of a new child, while a wonderful experience, is also very stressful and may have pushed him over the stress limit. When this happens, we not only become depressed with all those classic symptoms (poor sleep/appetite, poor concentration, fatigue, loss of sexual interest, social withdrawal, etc.) but we become emotionally numb as well. To complicate matters, depression has a nasty habit of digging up all our most miserable experiences, torturing us by making us rethink and relive them.

Before regaining your healthy sex life, you need to regain your healthy life. I’d recommend reading up on depression on this website — take a few depression tests that are available. Additional information on depression is available on my website at www.drjoecarver.com. Talk with him about the possibility of depression and stress. If stressed, he may require mental health treatment and intervention. Your marriage and family may need to readjust to a higher stress level due to the recent arrival. You may need to rethink your priorities and stress-proof your marriage. Communication is going to be the key. Right now, your husband feels he is worthless as a husband, lover and probably new father. He’s also probably at a loss as to what to do to fix the situation. Mental health intervention may be helpful for both of you.