Husband and Wife Both Have Other Sweethearts…Now What?

Reader’s Question

My husband and I have been married 16 years and have one child together. Five years ago I confronted him with (what I deemed to be) an inappropriate relationship with a male co-worker. He emotionally admitted that he was bi-sexual and had known about it since he was a young boy. At this point we had pretty much had a platonic relationship since our child was born 5 years prior. He begged me to remain in the relationship stating that he really loved me and was still attracted to me physically, and I said I understood and promised to stay with him throughout because that was what I had vowed before God that I would do. He made a few attempts to be “romantic” but that never progressed because he was unable to maintain an erection. He saw a physician about this who gave him a sample to try, but he never mentioned taking it, and to be honest by this point I was no longer attracted to him. Nevertheless, we remain great friends. We co-habitate with never a quarrel, and I would consider him one of my best friends. Our child is happy and well-adjusted.

Problem A: My husband has taken an intense interest in a male co-worker who is admittedly homosexual. He spends the night at our house, and my husband has done his laundry, he has loaned him money, performed car repairs, etc. He has even suggested that this man (14 years his junior) move into our home. This has been going on almost 2 years.

Problem B: I have become involved with a married man (14 year my senior) who I truly adore; I was attracted to him the very first time I saw him, and he loves me. We feel with every part of our being that we were meant to be together. We have similar interests and I just love being around him. Even with all this, I can’t bring myself to do anything that would change my life from the way it is now. I don’t want to hurt my parents/family. I would still feel that I was betraying my husband after promising to stay with him. I don’t want to admit adultery to my church family. The man I am seeing has told me that when I am ready to make a commitment, then he will be also. Please advise me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living with a man who is just using me.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I suspect that the boundaries in your relationship have become so distorted that you run the risk of missing the obvious concerns. At present, both you and your husband are actively pursuing other partners. Both of the other partners have nothing to lose at this point and your husband’s partner may be taking advantage of him — and planning more. When both marital partners have additional sweethearts and you’re entertaining the idea of moving a lover into the family home — we can pretty much give up the idea of maintaining a “normal” family here. Some thoughts and concerns:

• If you are going to remain married for the sake of the children, church, family system, etc. then you need to preserve the integrity of the family home. Keep both extra lovers at a safe distance, no one moves in, keep the money in the home, etc. Don’t allow the boundaries to weaken any more than they already have.
• You may want to discuss an end to the marriage with your husband, but I suspect your situation is not that uncomfortable yet. This may also be a problem. Right now, everyone is comfortable. Nobody needs to make a move. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to divorce his wife and your husband’s partner gets his laundry done. At some point, any of the four players in this situation can suddenly realize it’s not working for them. When that happens, the house of cards falls down. Instead of everyone being comfortable, somebody will be gone and someone in the marriage will be miserable. It’s almost inevitable.
• If you and your husband decide to end the marriage, it’s not necessary to explain the situation to the community. You can have a separation due to “differences” and that’s acceptable. The other possibility is that the current situation is revealed to the church, community, and/or family and then you have lots of explaining to do. These situations do not remain private for long so be prepared.
• You may need to make a decision to leave on your own. Your husband is not in a hurry as he isn’t uncomfortable. You’ll need to save yourself as clearly, he has additional future plans that involve his partner, not you.
• I’d recommend an “exit plan” — develop a plan to leave that spans over several months. Explore your legal options and rights, housing, finances, family support, etc. Make a business-like plan to leave. Be aware, however, that your lover may not be as anxious to leave his partner as you are, as again, his relationship with you involves very little responsibility or obligation. That would change if he tries to leave his current partner.

I would advise seeing a counselor or therapist during this process. You will need emotional support, as no matter what decision you make, this is a very stressful situation.