Overly Expressive vs. Restricted Expressions in Romance

Reader’s Question

I would like to know what are the chances that a person like me — who I just found out has the problem that I have very weak bounderies in relationships, because I am more the emotional type, trying to save the other person in a way, or trying so hard to get the love that I give etc. — could work things out with a person that has very rigid bounderies, fears of being emotional, fear of love, no trust, all the things that would be in a way my opposite.

The thing is that I did break some walls with him. I know that he loves me even though he doesn’t express it the way I would. I left him and he became very emotional all of the sudden for the first time to not let me go.

Am I wasting my time? Do you think people like him, need people like me, or vice versa to make things work?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Over the years I’ve seen every possible combination in couples — Introvert and Extravert, Religious and NonBeliever, Tall and Short, “Silver spoon” and “from the streets” — and they were all successful. Couples are successful because they communicate with each other, they show respect for each other, and they work to make their relationship better. Your situation may be Weak-Boundaries vs Rigid Boundaries but the key isn’t boundaries, it’s communicating emotions to each other. Some suggestions:

• People with rigid boundaries are often self-conscious, shy, or fearful of embarrassment. They incorrectly feel that rigid boundaries protect them from emotional hurt or disappointment. Encourage expression of any kind — emotional, physical, opinions, attitudes, etc. When he offers his opinion about something, discuss it in a positive light. It’s like noticing a child cleaning his room, then praising him for it. The praise makes him want to clean the room more often.
• The news isn’t always on channel 3… He may not be broadcasting his feelings for you the way you expect. Look at other channels of expression such as nonverbal, respect for you and your feelings, concern for your well-being, etc. Many adults come from non-emotional homes where emotional expression was not observed or modeled. When this happens, he may have little experience doing something you freely do — expressing his emotions. You can teach him however.
• As I tried to follow your sentences, it became clear that your brain runs pretty fast. You may have ideas and emotions jumping in and out. If you express your emotions to him in this manner, he will most likely be overwhelmed. You’ll need to slow down, expressing only a few emotions and thoughts at a time. The first sentence in your email has about ten separate topics in it. I needed aspirin after I read that! (Just kidding.) It’s likely that you are Over Expressive and he is Under Expressive. Try to meet in the middle. If he offers an emotional expression, don’t jump into the conversation — allow him to talk. Just say things that continue the conversation such as “I’m happy you feel that way” or “I appreciate your feelings” — but don’t flood him with sentences. Slowing down is very important…and allowing him to speak is vital. It’s more important to talk with rather than talk at somebody.
• This may sound weird, but if you decide to fix the relationship by talking, I’d use a one-minute egg timer, one of the hourglass models. Each person has 60 seconds, then the other person talks. This method slows down the flow of the conversation and allows both to talk equally.

If you feel he’s worth it, then you’re not wasting your time. Talk with him. Ask him if he’s willing to work this out. If there is no improvement over the next many months, then it may be impossible to fix…but it sounds like you want to give it a try. People like the two of you make happy couples all the time.