Expectant Mother Dealing With Abuser and Controller

Reader’s Question

I am a 41 year old woman who was in a 9-month relationship with a man who clearly showed some Loser/Controlling tendencies. When I realized he could never be happy unless I changed to meet his “needs”, I broke off the relationship. This break-up/reconciliation happened three times in the nine months.

During the last reconciliation, I became pregnant (I am currently at 4 months). In the last month, I have realized that I do not want to pursue a relationship with him for all the same reasons we broke up in the past (controlling behaviour, inability to respect me as an individual). While I am trying to respect his right to be involved with the baby after it is born, I want nothing to do with him during my pregnancy. He has repeatedly contacted me against my wishes, pressuring me to move in with him, demanding I do it “for the good of the baby.” He ranges from texting me to tell me I’m not fit to be a mother to leaving multiple Valentine’s Day cards in my mailbox and begging me to reconsider. I have sought both counseling and legal advice; both sources have advised me that his behaviour appeared “controlling”, “desperate”, and “manipulative” and they have recommended I establish a safety plan in case his behaviour escalates.

I am still trying to effect some kind of workable solution between us after the baby is born, but I begin to wonder if sole custody with reasonable access is a better course of action, given his behaviour. I am feeling very trapped because I can’t just cut all ties with him, even though I would like to. How does one draw the line between a guy being an annoying, selfish jerk and a guy being emotionally abusive?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Drawing the line between a selfish jerk and an abuser is similar to the line between warm skin and a blistering sunburn — it’s all about exposure. In brief, restricted, and controlled exposure and contacts, he’ll appear only selfish and annoying. The more exposure you have to him, the more controlling and abusive he will become. As a controller, he views more exposure as more entitlement.

Keep in mind, he is unlikely to actually want to be a warm, loving parent. Rather, he is more concerned with controlling you as he has in the past. As you experienced over the past months, he will change his strategies — sometimes being verbally abusive and at other times playing the victim. I’d read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships where you can review the common tactics used by controllers and abusers.

As for the future, I’d recommend taking a business-only approach to his involvement in your pregnancy and child. Provide him with scheduled status reports — “the checkup was good” — nothing more. I’d assume you will be the sole parent of custody. You can offer visitation under your control and restrictions. Sadly, due to his behavior, I suspect he will gradually fade out of your and your child’s life. Abusers and Controllers are not self-sacrificing and once he does not have his demands met, he will likely vanish, randomly returning over the years to create difficulties for you. Maintain a business-only position. While you may feel some guilt in taking a business approach, you’re actually being self-protective. That same guilt will only prolong your exposure to this toxic relationship.