I Cannot Extricate Myself from a Partner Full of Excuses and Promises

Reader’s Question

I cannot extricate myself from a relationship with a man who will soon be 46 years old. He has been without a full-time job for over a year, while he is working on a career transition. He remained attached to his elderly (68 years old) ex-GIRLFRIEND (not mom), while he started dating me (helping her with tutoring for a real estate broker’s exam and buying tires for her car). He has blamed me for his ED, but now he says it is related to childhood sexual abuse by an older woman caregiver (first he said older sister and now uses this other phrase — I suspect mother or aunt). He says his past relationship fulfilled a fantasy he developed as a coping mechanism from his sexual abuse. (Is this bull?)

He also has ADD and has finally sought treatment this month. We went to couples’ counseling over the summer; he was adamant that he had done all he could about his ADD and did not need nor would he benefit from drugs for it. And he never brought up the sexual abuse and how that relates to ED. I suspect he is lying to get my sympathy and so I don’t ask many questions or expect him to improve in bed.

He has some good qualities. Smart (MBA), kind (can be very helpful with man about the house tasks), and a very large nice family. But I find that he is overly critical of me. I am an attorney with a successful practice, but he finds a lot of reasons to criticize my business, the way I dress, my home, etc. Meanwhile, he does not make enough money to support himself, has virtually no retirement savings, and his sexual issues are a big concern to me. Did I mention he has a history of severe depression and for years remained underemployed while married to a successful woman attorney?

I am tired of this unending list of problems and promises that things will improve in a couple of months.

I am not sure why I hold on to this. It is dragging me down and I really feel it right now.

Help!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I think you’ve hitched your wagon to a dead horse. Fifteen percent of the adult population have “personality disorders”. While we often interact with people who are not a good fit for our personality, there are individuals who have a long history of personality, behavior, emotional, and relationship difficulties. This group is said to have a “personality disorder” — an enduring pattern of inner experience (mood, attitude, beliefs, values, etc.) and behavior (aggressiveness, instability, etc.) that is significantly different than those in their family or culture. These dysfunctional patterns are inflexible and intrusive into almost every aspect of the individual’s life. These patterns create significant problems in personal and emotional functioning and are often so severe that they lead to distress or impairment in all areas of functioning. Intelligent folks with personality disorders are frequently underemployed or randomly employed, frequently fired due to conflicts, and financially broke. While they may have talent and intelligence, the personality disorder is so intrusive that they are always socially and vocationally ineffective.

In my observation, Personality Disorders that create the most interpersonal problems have core personalities of selfishness, insensitivity to others, narcissism, a refusal to accept personal responsibility, and a tremendous sense of entitlement that allows them to abuse/mistreat others when their selfish demands are not immediately met. Personality Disorders are extremely controlling and manipulative — often using obvious behaviors such as physical abuse/intimidation while at other times using subtle techniques such as manipulation, cons, excuses, promises, and schemes.

Your boyfriend fits a PD we have called “passive-aggressive personality”. These individuals strongly yet passively resist any demand for normal functioning and expectations in social, vocational, and romantic relationships. Any attempt to confront them with their behavior produces a flood of excuses, prior traumas, explanations, and distractions. They blame others, especially their partners, for their overall ineffectiveness and when confronted, always assume a victim stance as though they are the one being put upon or burdened. In the bright ones, PTSD, ADHD, and other psychiatric issues are common excuses. Really bright ones use vague medical conditions with symptoms that come and go — depending upon what they want to do or not do. They typically have created a support system and jump from one dependent relationship to another. Like the 68 y/o ex-girlfriend, they always keep prior partners on “back burner” using what might be considered “maintenance contacts” just in case they need a place to go again.

As for his behavior, I’ve outlined the twenty features common in these individuals in an article entitled Identifying Losers in Relationships. For their partners, I’ve written Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser. Both are available on this website.

As a warning, Personality Disorder individuals have very shallow emotions. Their relationships with others are similar to having a really good $500 automobile. You love it when it runs great. If it gives you trouble, rather than pay to have it fixed, you junk it for parts and buy another $500 machine. If you move very far, you leave it because it’s too much trouble to transport. As you’re starting to experience, a personality disorder has no concern for your emotional exhaustion, your romantic concerns, the financial burden he creates, or how his behavior upsets you. These are the “It’s All About Me!” folks in psychiatry.

I’d recommend reading my articles. I think you’ll see someone you recognize. I’ve also provided methods for dealing with these individuals. You may also want to review the blog comments on this website for both articles. The Loser article has over 500 entries from people in your position. Keep in mind, he’s counting on your guilt and sympathy to maintain his current behaviors.