Attempt to Restart Old Relationship Fails…What Can I Do?

Reader’s Question

I was in a relationship with the love of my life for 4 years. I left him because I got saved and thought that was the Godly thing to do. In the mean time I married another guy. Well, I always love the love of my life and I could never stop. I was seeing this other guy whom I married later on and he found out about it. It was not love or sex, I thought I was doing the right thing Biblically. I stayed married for 4 years, then divorced. In my marriage I tried to contact him, I dreamed about him, and thought about him all the time. After my divorce I contacted him again. We slept together and talked, but then he stopped talking to me. Then we did it again and again he stopped talking to me. We have been seeing each other a lot the past year and have been talking about the future. But the whole time in this year he has been living with another woman. He says he is in love with me and that we will be together again, because I am the woman for him. But now he has stopped all contact again.

It has been 25 days and I am going crazy. Only this time he changed his phone number. I know he is not a liar and that he is in love with me but I don’t know why this has happened. Is he coming back? Will he ever leave this girl? Or am I wasting my time because I got played? Can you help? I got mad and called the girl and told her everything, but it seems that he still is there. What can I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Experiencing a first love or “love of my life” relationship creates wonderful emotional memories. Our memories can contain emotions made at that time, so when you think of this ex-boyfriend your memories produce that original feeling of love, passion, etc. These emotional memories can be a big problem because you remember how he was, not how he is now. In 2008 he is a different person in a different situation. Your old emotional memories of that past relationship are clouding your judgment.

When you say “I know he is not a liar,” he is a liar. He’s living with a woman, having a relationship with you, promising you things then disappearing, and has been meeting you at this convenience. Our best way to evaluate someone is by their behavior, not what they promise or tell us. When you say “I know he loves me” — his behavior says he loves you once a month…at his convenience. Even contacting his current girlfriend had no effect on the relationship.

There’s an old saying “You can’t go back”. This is certainly true in your situation. You tried to create that past relationship, he cooperated a little bit, then he returned to his current relationship. It didn’t work. We can’t relive the past. Your best bet is to move on. If he is a player, he may contact you again but not to create the old romance, just for some entertainment. Keep your fond memories and move on.