Parents Are Suspicious About Daughter’s Behavior

Reader’s Question

Yesterday my husband and I saw a red spot on our daughter’s neck. It looks like somebody kissed her, and we both were very upset. We asked her and she said it was itchy, but we don’t believe this. Can you help me on how I can find out what is going on?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your daughter may or may not tell you what’s going on. You didn’t mention her age, but that’s important. If she doesn’t provide more information, you may need to sit with her and have a parent-daughter discussion of your expectations. If you have suspicions about her behavior, it’s time to have that talk. In the discussion, it’s important to remind her that:

• Sexuality and romance are going to be “new” to her and she must proceed cautiously, and
• The family has expectations that a certain range of behavior is acceptable and behavior outside that range is not acceptable. Your family, culture, and religious faith may have boundaries in this area as well.

As a parent, you are in a better position if your daughter talks to you. If you begin the discussion with accusations, yelling, screaming, guilt, etc. she will quickly learn not to talk to you. Rather than focusing on not believing her, focus on the fact that the incident has reminded you that a parental discussion about sexuality and romantic relationships is necessary at this time in her life. Ask if she has questions. Keep her discussions with you confidential as well. As our children mature, open lines of communication provide the most safety and protection.

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