My Wife Keeps Bringing Up the Past

Reader’s Question

I have a problem. I am a 42-year-old male and my wife is 35. My wife repeatedly talks about past situations (arguments, etc.) and either goes crying or tries to argue with me. Kindly help me in this matter.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Most couples have memories of their good and bad experiences. These memories of the past (arguments, disagreements, unfair treatment, conflicts, etc.) often contain strong emotions. “Emotional Memory” is the term used to describe memories that contain strong emotions — good or bad. Your wife is bringing up strong, negative Emotional Memories which produce crying or anger in her. Negative emotional memories become a problem in several ways:

• In marital discussions, Emotional Memories frequently surface when you discuss or argue too long. Just about any time a marital discussion lasts over ten minutes you’ll start discussing the past — and Emotional Memories will surface. Once these Emotional Memories surface, the emotional mood is changed, and the original discussion topic is lost. To deal with this situation, I recommend using an hour-glass style egg timer — one of the one-minute timers. In the marital discussion, each person is allowed one minute at a time. Then the other person receives one minute, and on it goes. This keeps the emotional tension from boiling over and bringing up emotional memories. It’s also helpful to have “rules” in marital discussions, such as
  • No past events,
  • No name-calling,
  • No discussion of in-laws,
  • No loud voices or physical aggression, etc.
• If these Emotional Memories are surfacing without an argument or discussion, this is another problem. Individuals who suddenly begin discussing past negative events are often depressed. Depression causes us to review our most upsetting memories, a behavior that torments the depressed individual. When our partner seems to be “living in the past” and talking about depressive past events without good reason, depression is very likely. In this situation, look for other signs of depression and stress such as sleep/appetite problems, change in motivation/interests, fatigue, crying spells, social withdrawal, etc. If depression is present, obtain treatment for the depression through a family physician. Counseling might also be considered.

I would also recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory available on this website.