Husband Secretly Hooked on Internet Pornography

Reader’s Question

I am 47 and have been with my husband for 6 years, married for three. We have no children and a very fun and close relationship with lots of sex. Early in our relationship, we discussed the issue of pornography. I have had terrible experiences with men addicted to porn, and made it clear that I would not date, but especially would not marry a man who was interested in porn.
When I moved in, I reiterated that this was still the case and I would not live with a man who was into porn. He said again he had no interest in pornography. I did find some 1984 Hustler magazines, but he assured me he’d just forgotten about those, and got rid of them and we laughed about it. I did tell him at the time that I understood if this was his interest, but I would not be able to live with it, so he would have to make a choice. In spite of my feelings for him, I would divorce him if this was the way it was going to be. We do love each other and were kind to each other in this discussion and moved on with making a home.

Unfortunately, hundreds and hundreds of photos and videos of extreme porn with what appear to be underage girls have surfaced, some of it with very recent dates, on his jump drive, which he apparently forgot to put away before he went out of town. (I am no snoop — we have a bunch of them, and I usually just grab one to move files between my computers. Imagine my surprise.) I don’t understand, if these kinds of acts turn him on, why he wouldn’t want to do them with me. Because I am very willing to do anything whatsoever sexually, make videos, take photos, etc., in effect I would be willing to do anything he wants…and he says he is not interested at all in that, he just likes straight daily sex.

But I cannot be 16 years old again, no matter what I do. And if he wants a young girl, why marry a matronly woman like me?

I’m left feeling two ways about it. On one hand, he is a kind, sweet, loving man, and I really want for nothing. I get a lot of attention. I thought we were best friends. I thought we were very truthful with each other. I think…I suppose all men are like this and I need to grow up. Other women have it worse, etc.

But he has lied to my face, many times now, over this. How on earth can I believe anything he ever says again? And these women are barely women and most look like they are 14-16 years old. The photos say they come from teen and barely teen websites. And now I wonder, what else is a lie? And how do I look him in the face, or have sex with him, when it turns out that he isn’t the person he has been portraying himself to be and obviously wants something different, or something else or something more? I feel very inadequate. I am also worried that this is an addiction that has or will lead to acting on it. Been there, done that, with earlier relationships.

I had made myself clear from the beginning. So, obviously, he must think that this porn is more important than the relationship. I see no point in discussing it with him, as we have already discussed it many times and apparently nothing is going to make it stop. I see little else to do but divorce him at this point. Am I being an idiot? Should I just feel blessed with what I DO have and just forget it?

Can you shed some light on this for me?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband may be attracted to the sexual excitement and fantasy he finds in pornography. These fantasies may have little to do with you or the marriage. They have more to do with his issues and concerns. As a middle-aged man, they may be an attempt to relive his youth — or at least to think of himself as a young man again.

As you correctly suggest, their are several problems here:

• the excessive amount of pornography he is seeking,
• the focus on “teen” subjects (if they are under 18 in reality, it’s a criminal offense!),
• the lying and maintaining a secret behavior from his wife,
• the disrespect for you and promises made in the relationship, and
• the possiblilty that this interest or even addiction has overridden his concern to protect and keep the marriage.

I would caution you about over-interpreting his behavior. From his standpoint, it may be all about sexual excitement — not his feelings about you, your age, or the sex life in the marriage. This behavior is also unlikely to make him act on it, any more than men who play violent military combat games would frequently grab a weapon and shoot someone. His potential for infidelity should be based on his history of infidelity.

A sudden confrontation about the pornography will likely make him defensive. That defensiveness would not solve any problems or correct any behaviors, however. I would recommend a business-like confrontation that informs him that you are aware of his behavior and that you now request his position on future pornography activity and how that fits into the current marriage and agreements both have made over the past years. Based on his thought-out response, you can then decide if the situation can be worked out to make you comfortable again.

At this time, internet addictions are a significant problem with individuals and couples. The easy, home-based access to pornography, gambling, video games, medications, etc. is creating severe problems in normally healthy individuals. You might want to suggest marital counseling to act as a mediator and problem-solver in your situation as well.