Thinking About My Girlfriend’s Sexual Past Hurts My Stomach

Reader’s Question

I am a 48 year old divorced male who is dating a 42 year old twice divorced female. The relationship is great except for my hang ups about a couple of things in her past. The relationship is 9 months old.

During her 1st marriage, her husband encouraged her to have a MMF threesome. This happened on 3 separate occassions; I believe the last one was with her brother-in-law who was married at the time. I have regular “visions” of what she was likely to be doing during these threesomes (as we haven’t discussed them in detail), and it makes me feel sick in the stomach. She tells me she didn’t want to be involved, but her husband continued to “pressure” her until she gave in. She is a non-drinker so she was quite sober at the time(s).

She ultimately had an affair and left her husband for another guy. She married him, but 4 years later divorced as he was violent.

Our own sex life is quite active. I divorced my ex wife as she had an affair with another man. I have never been involved in a threesome, either MMF or FFM.

Question: Why do I get such sick feelings and visions about this past activity of hers? I don’t have an issue that she has been sexually active with someone else, just the threesome thing.

Question: Am I likely to overcome this in time? Is there anything I can do to assist myself in overcoming this and ceasing to have those visions?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your experience is very common. The sick feelings are related to Emotional Memory and the way the brain reacts emotionally to our experience — real or imagined. Memories, thoughts and feelings are directly connected in the brain. If we have good memories associated with a song, the minute we hear it we smile automatically. If we have a memory about being threatened by an individual, when we see them in public we suddenly feel threatened again. This mechanism is called “emotional memory” and is explained in an article by the same name on this website.

Emotional Memory (EM) has several “rules” that help understand this complex neurological mechanism. A basic rule is “We Feel What We Think”. Our brain generates moods by changing brain and body chemistry. If we suddenly receive a call that a tornado is five miles away and going to hit us, our brain releases great amounts of chemistry that make our mood frightened and panicky yet motivated for self preservation — in short, we quickly look for shelter. Oddly enough, this reaction takes place even if the tornado call is a joke. If we believe it — think about it — we feel it.

When you have visions (actually fantasies) about your girlfriend’s past sexual behavior, you are imagining details as though filming the event with a videocamera. Your brain can’t tell if that “vision” is real or imagined. As a result, your brain and stomach react as though the vision is real. Your emotional and physical reaction is very real and is exactly what would be expected if you walked in on the scene for real. Keep in mind that if you were a violent person, your reaction to the “vision” would be anger and agitation, as though someone was going to be seriously assaulted. This thought-mood connection is well-known by actors who imagine horrible scenes to create the appropriate mood for their characters in movie roles.

At this time, each time you think about it, the original emotional memory returns — as does the stomach distress. To rid yourself of this reaction, you’ll need to change the mood in the “vision”. My Emotional Memory article includes several techniques to “water down” that emotional component of the vision. Humor also helps.

I’d also recommend not asking for additional information about her past experiences. This is always a bad idea. Accept the fact that you both have past partners and experiences. This vision is giving you problems because it’s out of your range of sexual experience. Your fantasy/vision about the event is probably much more extensive than the actual situation, which was probably very embarrassing and forced/coerced upon her — almost abusive if you think about it. She has left two people who were abusive to her. The manner in which she relates to you is imporant, not her past. If you work on watering down the emotional component of this emotional memory, it will gradually fade out.