My Daughter Supports Her Abusive Brother…Can I Help?

Reader’s Question

In 1991 my son (age 13) molested my daughter (age 3). At the time I did everything right: notified the authorities, obtained counseling for the victim, the abuser and the entire family. My son was sentenced to juvenile detention for about 90 days. It was revealed during his counseling that he committed this heinous act to punish me for divorcing his father that same year. His addiction to alcohol also began at this time.

Fast forward to 2008: My son is a full blown alcoholic (like his father), he cannot keep a job, lost his wife and children, suffers extreme mental issues, engages in self mutilation, and has confessed to having violent thoughts of cutting other people. We have had him in numerous rehab/mental health facilities and as soon as he is out he goes right back to drinking. I hate to admit it but I have given up all hope for any lasting recovery; he will stop drinking when he dies. I have reconciled that I will have to bury him someday. Although I love my son, I have emotionally detached from him and refuse to condone his life. He goes to great lengths to avoid me as well, I believe because his manipulation tactics do not work on me. I no longer allow him to place guilt on me that I do not deserve.

My daughter claims to have no memory of the molestation incident. I feel the effects of the molestation have manifested in her obesity and her choosing partners that are controlling like her brother. She has 2 beautiful little boys (ages 1 and 4) that I am very close to. My problem is that 6 weeks ago her brother moved back into town and is living with her. He does not work, and drinks all day and night (she buys the alcohol for him). She works full time and goes to school part time and attends church. She is a good girl and a loving daughter but somehow she has placed herself in the role of his savior. I printed out your article on Love and the Stockholm syndrome for her. I have tried to no avail to help her understand that it is dysfunctional for her to permit and enable her brother (her molester) to live with her. She has stated that she is trying to help him, feels sorry for him, and just today admitted that she is afraid of his temper. He has her convinced that if he doesn’t have the alcohol he will go into fatal withdrawal. He may, but to that I told her to offer him a ride to the nearest emergency room. I cannot seem to get her to see what she is doing and how this is harming her.

Is there anything at all that I can do? He is 30 and she is 21, and I have no control over their lives. I am concerned for my grandsons and the environment they are in and have in fact told her that I will attempt to gain custody of them if she cannot protect them and provide a safe environment. She has rejected my suggestions of seeking counseling for her, and prefers to discuss these issues with her pastor from church — although I suspect that she is not honest with him.

I have offered (against my better judgment) to allow my son to live here with me and my husband provided he understand that we have an alcohol free home. I honestly do not want him here, but am desperate to get him out of my daughter’s apartment and away from her and the boys.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s most likely that your son will NOT want to live with you. He only wants to live with someone he can control and manipulate. From your description, your son has more than an alcohol problem. I suspect he also has a personality disorder — probably Antisocial Personality. Personality Disorders that create the most interpersonal problems have core personalities of selfishness, insensitivity to others, narcissism, a refusal to accept personal responsibility, and a tremendous sense of entitlement that allows them to abuse/mistreat others when their selfish demands are not immediately met. Personality Disorders are extremely controlling and manipulative – often using obvious behaviors such as physical abuse/intimidation while at other times using subtle techniques such as manipulation, guilt, cons, and schemes. They depict themselves as “victims” to gain sympathy and support of others, then abuse those gestures of support. When alcohol or drugs are involved in the picture, they create a variety of manipulations to justify their use/abuse. The threat of fatal withdrawal is very common. They also assure their supporters that they will:

• end up in the gutter,
• end up in jail/prison,
• be killed by street people, and/or
• die of malnutrition if kicked out of the house — so it will be the supporter’s fault — not theirs.

Socially, individuals with Personality Disorders have shallow emotions, superficial loyalty, and tend to manipulate those around them. Some engage in criminal behavior and con and manipulate others for money, support, and other purposes. Personality Disorders are almost totally self-justifying and show little or no remorse, guilt, or regret for the manner in which they treat others.

It’s possible that your daughter’s support of your son involves more than sympathy. She may appreciate his company (with two children under 5) or feel safer in the home. It’s not likely that her support is related to the molestation incident and focusing on that as a possibility will only alienate you from your daughter.

As these situation run their course, he will eventually emotionally exhaust your daughter, at which time you will be forced to intervene again. As the concerned parent, I would follow the strategies I’ve outlined in the Love and Stockholm Syndrome article and maintain a “Hold on Loosely” approach. Make it very clear that you are monitoring the situation at your daughter’s home. If your daughter begins showing signs of emotional exhaustion, you may need to intervene personally and legally as your son will not hesitate to emotionally, socially, and financially destroy you and your daughter’s lifestyle. If he becomes loud, intimidating, or threatening, have him arrested. The court can often order drug/alcohol treatment once an arrest is made.

You can also get a feeling for the techniques he’s using on her by reviewing my Identifying Losers in Relationships article on this website.