I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me

Reader’s Question

Thank you in advance for reading. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My life in a nutshell: oldest child in a family headed by a violent cross-addict and bitter, depressed mother. Parents divorced when I was 13 and I lived with my father. Got married at 22, first child at 23. Had another at 24. At 26, gave birth to a child who died at 9 months of age. Another child born at 28. Marriage ended at 32.

Met a guy 10 years younger than me and moved in to that relationship. Had a set of identical twins at 36. Husband started his own business and I worked outside the home, had all child care and household responsibilities as well. In August, bought a new home. One week to the day later, my company announced we were being outsourced and losing our jobs. A week later, utilities were shut off with an enormous ($4,500!!) back bill. Turns out husband’s business was a failure but I was kept out of the loop. Two weeks later, husband is arrested for unpaid tickets. Two weeks later, the gas is cut off for back payments.

Husband finally agreed to get a job and went back to the US (I’m Canadian, he’s American) for training and his court date. Was supposed to be gone 2 weeks. It’s been 3 months. Now he says he’s trying to re-establish residency to move me and the children over.

I experienced a lot of stress with the financial issues and the oldest daughter and my husband were constantly pulling me into the middle of their problems. Since the end of November, I’ve been crying constantly…sometimes full on crying. Most days it’s just tears trickling down my face. I’m sad 24/7. I’m irritable with the 7 yr old twins. I try so hard to keep my sadness from the kids. But the older kids have noticed a weight loss (gone from a size 5 to a size 0 in the past 3 months). They notice I get angry at things I would have taken in stride. Suicidal thoughts enter and leave my head about 10 times a day, although I keep telling myself I would never ever do it. I have too many responsibilities to others to do it.

Husband insists he’s working towards our future. I don’t believe him. I think he’s happy to be out of the house…away from me…away from the kids. I had Social Services contacted to see if there were any coping programs available. I have absolutely 0 support systems. My parents and sister moved to South Africa. I have no other relatives. My husband and all his relatives live in the States. I have been unable to make and sustain friendships as my life has always been work and home…no time to myself. I told the social worker everything, including the suicidal thoughts. She advised I see my doctor. I did and told him the same thing. He’s going to try and get me in to see a psychiatrist. He currently has me on bromazepam and Wellbutrin. He added Cipralex on Monday. He doesn’t have a diagnosis and is just trying to keep me on keel until I can see the specialist. I don’t think anyone feels the urgency I feel. Maybe it’s because I play it down..that I can keep holding on. I don’t know that I can. Tonight, I am fighting to not hurt myself. I’ve taken bromazepam to help me sleep. (I can’t sleep anymore. Perhaps that’s why I’m irritable and can’t eat?) What is wrong with me?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are showing all the signs of a stress-produced depression. Prolonged exposure to a high level of stress, responsibility, and social turmoil depletes the brain’s stores of Serotonin, a neurotransmitter. Serotonin regulates many body activities including sleep, appetite, body temperature, and other mood factors. You can find additional information and tests for depression on this website. I also have an article on Understanding Depression on my website at www.drjoecarver.com.

Your physician is on the right track with prescribing Wellbutrin. He’s also on track regarding the need to see a psychiatrist. Such a dramatic weight loss and suicide thoughts tell us that your depression is pretty severe. I would also recommend seeing a mental health counselor or therapist. Your social situation is highly stressful and would benefit from an objective view and social/emotional support.

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