Are Husband’s Fantasies a Midlife Crisis?

Reader’s Question

Hearing of my husband’s almost affair with a woman who he was conversing with at work is making me crazy. I truly believe that he wanted something to happen, sexually! I know that he does not want to divorce or separate, but the idea of having sex with another woman is what he wants! I have caught him on several occasions, and he stated during our argument that I always catch him, before he does anything. I don’t know what he means by this, but I think it’s absurd. This is the reason, why I haven’t left him. He has either been embraced or ready to walk into a hotel, when I catch him. I have seen his phone log and it has old girlfriends’ numbers and now a friend at work. I tell women in the same situation that I am in that it’s not how the wife looks or is, because the other women are either ugly, dumb or just trash. I can’t understand? I need a good reason to stay in this marriage, because I am about to let go 20 years. It’s makes me sick to my stomach. I have a lot to lose!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband may be going through a type of “midlife crisis”. When this happens, an individual reviews his/her life and becomes preoccupied with “the road not taken” — careers they didn’t have, old sweethearts, decisions they did and didn’t make, activities/possessions they’ve always thought about (skydiving, sports cars, etc.), and escape and sexual fantasies. Your husband might be involved in a fantasy game of sorts — fantasizing about sexual relationships with others — yet allowing you to stop him before he has to prove his manhood or engage in such activity. It’s like an individual who always talks about buying an expensive automobile yet is rescued from the financial obligations by various home or family excuses. You’ll notice a certain amount of almost bragging when he talks about being caught before he does something.

You are correct in many cases the “other woman” or fantasy partners can be unattractive and totally unlike what we would expect. There is a reason for this. The theory: We are attracted to people by the way they make us feel. We are attracted to people who make us feel sexy, attractive, powerful, successful, etc. This can be especially true in midlife crisis situations. Those fantasy relationships are designed to make him feel more masculine, sexual, important and attractive. The question then becomes, why does he need to feel this way?

A midlife crisis is actually a form of depression. Survey your current family situation. Is there a lot of financial, social, family, or employment turmoil? Is he or the family under a great deal of stress? About 70% of extramarital affairs occur when the individual is depressed or under stress. If you husband is fantasizing, he may be under stress. Has he had recent medical issues such as cardiac problems or impotence?

In short, his questionable behavior is about him. If you suspect he is under stress or is depressed, referral to his general physician or a mental health professional is recommended. Marital counseling can be helpful as his fantasies have become so strong that he has little understanding about how they torment you. From your perspective, I would consider a marital probation period — a number of months to monitor the situation for improvement. During that time, try to fix the situation with conversation and professional interventions. If his behavior continues or increases, you may need to take steps to protect yourself and allow him to feel the consequences of his behavior through marital separation or legal discussions.

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