Could My Father’s Withdrawal be Depression?

Reader’s Question

I am 15 years old, and for many years my father has been pushing many members of my family, including myself, to help ourselves become more successful; all we have done is argue with him and not listen. I know this is a horrible thing to do, but I haven’t really seen it until now.

He is just being reclusive. He’s in his room and says he’s “not doing it anymore” and is just not listening to anything we say — just as we have done to him. He also says “he needs to find what makes him happy”. We all care much about him but the things we have done to instigate this behavior tell him otherwise.

All I want to do is help him and I know that because he is such a family man he wouldn’t last long without us. Please help me, I’m desperate. I need to save my father from the inevitable.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While it seems your father’s behavior may be related to years of trying to guide his children and being ignored, it probably isn’t related to that issue. As a parent, being ignored by teenagers is pretty common and while frustrating and frightening at times, does not produce the behavior exhibited by your father. It is much more likely that your father is becoming depressed.

Depression can be created by a high level of stress over a long period of time. When parents become depressed, they become socially withdrawn, stop talking to their spouse and children, think only about the worse parts of their life, worry about failure, worry about the role model they’ve been for their children, and sleep extensively. Depressed adults often become very sad and philosophical and tell their children “I wish I had taught you more”, “You might do better with another parent”, or “I’ve been a failure as your father”. Depressed individuals fade away from their families, their jobs, and their lives.

Pushing teens to become successful in life goes with the parent job. I’d bet if you look at other parts of his life, there are stronger stressors such as his job, finances, loss/death of a loved one, health issues, etc. The combination of these stressors has probably depressed and overwhelmed your father.

You are correctly concerned however. His social withdrawal is a strong sign of depression. Parents are told if their teenagers stay in their room a lot and don’t participate in the family, the teenager may be depressed. The same is true for adults and parents. I’d recommend reading on depression (on this website) to understand what he may be going through. Talking with your father in a father-son manner will help him understand that he is valued. Express your concern to your mother or close relatives if possible, identifying reasons for your concern that are in his behavior such as social withdrawal, lack of communication with the family, the “I give up” attitude, problems with appetite or sleep, etc.

In this situation, you are now operating as the “concerned adult” — a responsible individual who sees a situation that needs help and intervention. You are making the correct moves here — looking for help, asking for advice, etc. You may be required to have a very adult conversation with your father soon, expressing your worry about what you’ve observed. Your father may need the help of a mental health professional or counselor.

It’s kind of strange, but you’ll know he’s feeling better when he starts pushing you to succeed again. Depression robs people of their confidence in areas of employment, parenting, marriage, etc. As his confidence returns, so will the parental requirement to push your children to do well and be successful. I bet you never thought you’d miss that…but you have. By the way, his pushing to be a responsible adult has apparently worked…here you are seeking help as a responsible adult at 15 years of age!