Wife in Pain and Husband Nonsupportive

Reader’s Question

I have been living with chronic pain for a number of years due to lupus, fibromyalgia and bone degeneration. I had a right hip replacement 1 1/2 yrs ago and my other hip and both knees are degenerating quite rapidly. Just recently I was diagnosed with heart problems wherein I have had two minor attacks and am now on a beta blocker and I carry nitroglycerin spray with me at all times and have had to use it five times in the last two weeks. My question to you concerns my husband, who absolutely refuses to believe I am in any pain whatsoever and says I am just using it as an excuse not to have sex with him. I very rarely tell him I am in too much pain but whenever I do he flies off the handle and treats me like a piece of garbage; won’t speak to me and treats our 14 year old the same. I feel bad enough as it is and he puts me down more. I have never been one to make false claims about how I feel and very rarely complain unless I am in severe pain. Last week for over two hours I had such severe left arm pain that I couldn’t move it and all he did was roll his eyes at me and completely ignore me. This makes things worse for me. What do you suggest? He tells our family doctor he believes how much pain I am in but only until we walk out of the office and then he’s back ignoring me again and being rude. It is becoming very difficult to even go home after work knowing what I will face. I desperately need his support but have gotten to the point that I won’t even tell him what is wrong because he won’t believe me.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As we often find, your physical conditions (especially heart-related attacks and surgeries) produce a lot of stress in the family. Your husband is not handling the stress well and rather than recognize his inability to deal with it — he chooses to deny and ignore your condition. You can’t be resentful toward someone you know is physically ill — so you deny the illness.

Psychologists have lots of theories and here’s what I suspect. First, I suspect you have always been the “rock” and responsible adult of the family — the person who manages everything, helps the child, etc. Your illness has created more responsibilities and obligations for your husband and he may resent that. Second, your husband’s behavior is very immature, selfish and inconsiderate. That behavior just doesn’t suddenly appear out of nowhere. I suspect he has probably always been selfish and childish in his personality which may have only been a minor problem when you were operating at full power and capability.

Third, stress amplifies and exaggerates our normal personality. Under stress, lazy people become more lazy. Aggressive people become more aggressive…that kind of thing. The stress of your medical condition and changes in the family have exaggerated his normal personality to the point we see now. In fact, it’s so exaggerated that he has difficulty controlling this behavior — even treating the teenage daughter poorly. Fourth, you’ve been so overwhelmed by your physical and medical issues that you may have not noticed that you are probably clinically depressed. High levels of prolonged stress typically emotionally exhaust us, creating a clinical depression. If you haven’t already, you may want to speak to your physician about an antidepressant medication. “Cymbalta” (US), by the way, is an antidepressant that is getting great reviews for its improvement in muscle and skeletal problems such as fibromyalgia.

Lastly, as we often see in this situation, each family member is reacting to the family stress individually. You’re feeling bad, husband is resentful and selfish, and the daughter is probably withdrawing. It would be helpful for the family, perhaps with the help of a counselor or medical consultant, to develop a family strategy to deal with the family situation. Right now, you have three miserable family members, each trying to cope independently rather than as a team…and no one doing very well.

For you:

1. Recognize that your husband’s behavior is what it is…childish and selfish. Don’t take the eye-rolling personally — it’s his way of not feeling obligated to help you with your physical discomfort. When you’re hurting…rather than offer to help or feel obligated to be supportive — he can roll his eyes, deny it, and feel no obligation to help. It’s like driving by an automobile accident and thinking “an ambulance is probably on the way” — we keep driving.
2. Allow him to be upset and pout. If he’s giving the family a hard time, suggest that he take a drive or leave for awhile. Remind him that the family needs stress-reduction, not increased stress.
3. This situation is about you, but his reaction and behavior isn’t — it’s about him.

When we first marry, we never know how our partner will face the stressful tests of normal life. Some leave after a child arrives. Others reach their “top end” pretty quickly and become nonhelpful and ineffective. When this happens, give him assignments such as taking you for appointments, helping with the daughter, etc. As weird as it sounds, giving him assignments (even when he moans about it) provides him with a way to positively help your situation. Right now, he doesn’t know how to fix your pain…or his for that matter. If he’s cooperative, family counseling often helps as well.