I Want More Attention From My New Girlfriend…What Can I Do?

Reader’s Question

I’m a 17-year-old male. My girlfriend just broke up with her boyfriend. Then I’m in a relationship with her. She tries to keep herself busy so that she will not think about her boyfriend. But I want more attention from her. I always feel that she is not giving me enough attention, and I am not a guy who takes initiative and most of all she is always busy. Can you tell me what to do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend only means they are physically gone. After a breakup, memories and thoughts about that relationship continue for many months, sometimes longer depending upon how long they were together. When we have a romantic relationship, we have many memories of good and bad that are triggered during the day — favorite restaurants, songs, locations in the community, etc. Your girlfriend is taking a common approach — keeping busy and active to keep her mind from dwelling on those memories. She is still recovering from the first relationship.

If you pressure her for more attention, it may push her further away. A demand for attention is a form of emotional pressure that may be difficult for her. I would recommend:

1. remember that she needs time to recover from the earlier relationship,
2. allow her go at her pace in the relationship and if the relationship is going to work, she will gradually increase her attention toward you, and
3. keep a steady contact with her but try to reduce pressure for more attention. Contact her to see how her day is going, not to demand more attention or contact.

At this point, while she has entered into a relationship with you, she is probably fearful of steady relationships due to her recent breakup. Give her some time and if it’s going to work out it will work out.