Clinging Behaviors in Foster Children

Reader’s Question

I am worried about a family member. A little bit of background: I have legal guardianship of my niece and nephew whom I treat as my own kids. I do have three children of my own, making it a total of five kids in my house. They have been living with my family for over a year now. I am really very worried about my nephew who is six years old. He does have anger issues from all the stuff he has been though. Both he and his sister were neglected and abused by their birth mother who she has very limited visitations with them.

My question is: is it normal for him to ALWAYS follow my son (who is ten years old) around? Could it be some kind of separation anxiety he feels? My son gets frustrated about him always being his little shadow. Do you have any thoughts on how to solve this situation? I have tried to talk with him about how he always follows my son, and how sometimes my son needs his own space, but he still continues to do it. I am at a loss as to what to do about this situation.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is a common experience in children with his background. While six year old children can talk, they can’t understand adult situations such as abuse, removal from parents, legal issues, etc. They become very fearful and insecure, often bonding with adults or other children. The nephew is exhibiting what we often call “regressive behaviors” — a return to an earlier stage of social development. In these cases, children become clinging, exhibit baby talk, wet the bed, are fearful of the dark or being alone even in the house, etc. In times of insecurity, such as divorce or separation, children often follow their parents from room to room.

While this should pass with time, you can encourage the development of more independence by arranging for solitary activities for the nephew while still in the company of the family. Individual games, video games, and other single-player activities are often helpful. The anger problems are also common as children at his age can identify only a few true moods — unhappy, happy, scared, etc. The separation from parents, even abusive or neglectful ones, creates a variety of intense feelings that six year old children can’t label for us. Imagine having an intense emotion surface but you can’t label or articulate it. When this happens, they often become either emotionally distressed or angry. When confronted, he won’t be able to tell you the reason for the anger or his behavior. Professional counseling is often helpful although upon his return from counseling the child may be upset and again, unable to tell you exactly why. As an adult, if we are upset following counseling we can verbalize why as in “The counselor discussed my childhood, it brought up old bad memories, and I can’t get settled down!”

As insecurity is the heart of these situations, try to keep the family as predictable as possible. If you are leaving the home for shopping, announce when you’ll return and try to keep that schedule. Show the nephew that life is secure and people leave and return like they’ve promised.

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