Two Children Modeling “Loser” Behavior from Ex-Husband

Reader’s Question

My counselor gave me a copy of your article titled “The Loser”. After reading it, I realized that my previous husband, whom I was with for 24 years, exhibited 16 of the 20 qualities you listed. My current husband treats me awesomely, but my concern is my 22 year-old daughter and my 17 year-old son. They both exhibit some of “The Loser” qualities. I don’t want their spouses/significant others to go through what I did. Therefore, my question is, what kind of help is available for “The Loser”?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

That article “Identifying Losers in Relationships” certainly gets around. Parents often serve as models for their children who often copy their behaviors, attitudes, and emotional expressions. Two types of individuals exhibit those Loser traits I outline in my article:

1. Individuals exhibiting these behaviors/attitudes due to situational factors such as immaturity, stress, depression, etc.
2. Individuals who have personality disorders, a diagnosis in mental health that reflects a fixed yet dysfunctional personality such as Antisocial, Narcissistic, Histrionic, or Borderline Personality (listed in case you want to study it further).

With a Loser model as a parent, your children may have developed Loser traits due to modeling. There is help for that situation. When Loser behavior surfaces, provide them with the Loser article and discuss how their father had 16 of the 20 characteristics. Express your concern that these Loser behaviors and attitudes will severely hinder their future relationships. If they agree to seek help, print out the Loser article and have them circle each characteristic they possess. They can take the article to a counselor/therapist and present themselves with “Can you help me fix these behaviors?” From feedback I’ve received on the Loser article, this seems to be an effective way to deal with Loser traits when they are the product of parental modeling.

By the way, I have written a follow-up article to “Identifying Losers in Relationships”. It’s called “Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser“. It’s available on this website and addresses why people maintain relationships with Losers and abusers. Your counselor might want to review it as well. Tell him the recommendation came straight from the horse’s mouth.

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