Am I the Person Doing the Verbal Harassment?

Reader’s Question

I live in Mexico City and maybe my English is not very good but I want to ask you about being in a relationship of 13 years of marriage and have three kids, and my husband treats me very badly. He shouts at me. He say me I am crazy, he insult me, he says I am a complex, because I get angry when he come to the house very late in the night, or because I ask if he is going out, or because of anything. He talks very badly about all the members of my family. All the important dates for me he ruins; he never says happy birthday or gives a present. Sometimes he treat me badly in front of some friends but only on a few ocasions. He drinks alcohol, not every day, but when he does it once a week he comes home at 5 am. But my question is that I don’t give up and when he insults me I insult him; if he shouts at me I shout at himl if he says something about my mother, I say 3 about his mother. So I don’t know if I am the one who is wrong, because all the time he says to me you see you are crazy you always begin these fights. In all the articles of verbal harassment I read always the victim stays quiet and they don’t defend against the aggressor. So my question is am I the one making the verbal harrassment?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are not the one making the verbal harrassment…but you are keeping the fight going. Your husband has a lot of bad behavior. When you bring this to his attention, he starts a verbal fight. He then blames you for his anger and his behavior. You then get upset and exchange yelling, accusations, nasty comments, and even insults about relatives. In the end, both of you have been very upset, the children are frightened, and nothing changes.

You are not crazy and you are not wrong to be upset by his behavior. It sounds like you may need a different way of handling his behavior however. I do not recommending trading yelling, accusations, or insults. I would recommend acting like it’s a business matter. If a person is late for work, the boss/employer doesn’t scream at them or insult their mother. The boss would say something like “You’re 20 minutes late today. You know we have a work rule about that.” The idea is to bring their mistakes to their attention but not participate in a fight about it. When we don’t fight, the level of tension in the home goes down. It also allows the person to apologize.

People with bad behavior use excuses for their bad behavior. If we yell at them and use insults, they use that as an excuse for their next bad behavior. When we point out their bad behavior and don’t fight, they sometimes find it harder to make excuses for their behavior.

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